Life changed so much when I was diagnosed with Dementia, but I allowed myself and pushed myself to find new purpose, to find hope, to forge a new life, a different life, but it has become a good life. So very different for what was my life to what is my life, but I have settled into it, finding many reasons to be happy, to enjoy the simplest things in life.
Bring in Covid 19, everything I had set in place had to change again, lock downs meant further isolations, finding ways to manage and cope through those ( and continuing lockdowns, over a year and still the lockdowns continue). Finding ways to stay connected, engaged, hopeful and joyful, during a pandemic, brings the fight that is faced by those with dementia just in terms of living with their illness to a whole new level.
A compromised system, we all know and hear about how those living with Dementia are likely to have worse outcomes than others if they get covid 19, so keeping my house stocked so I can manage with the least amount of trips needed of going out in public for necessities. Yet still going for walks, going for solo drives, ( ok not totally solo, my little dog Pheobe by my side), she loves drives. She always walked a lot with me, but as she is approaching 17 in May, remarkable, she now mostly sleeps, especially this last little bit, in fact its 9 am she is still in bed. I watch and hover over her, she has been my world for so many years. After my husband died, I was a drift, losing him, I lost my whole family unit as it was, so when Pheobe came into my life, she filled me with love again, so know as I watch her slowly decline, sometimes I think she is trying to keep going for me.
I know she sees and feels my decline and I see and feel hers, animals are so smart, so in tune and understand so much more than we often give them credit for. She has been such a blessing for so many years and through this Covid 19 Pandemic she for sure has been my saving grace.
Time is moving so fast or maybe it’s not, maybe it’s just that I am losing my ability to mange it. I feel like I have just lost a whole ten days, it was just March ending and somehow here we are at the 10th of April. Today I was looking at my new week of medications dropped of by the pharmacy yesterday, and I kept thinking this doesn’t seem right, he was just here delivering how can he be here again, another week gone, just gone, it made me go check to see in fact if I have been remembering to take the said medications, truthfully only missed a couple doses, so overall not bad.
The fact that time is disappearing or if it’s not then that means that I am disappearing more and more, not even sure which it is at this point. I think about all the things I still want to see completed my follow up book, completing my work with DAI, seeing changes take hold through advocating. So much I want to still accomplish, regardless of my dementia and regardless of Covid 19, but with the disappearing time, not sure if it’s possible. I can no longer manage without the help of my volunteer Angie, who without her help I would not be able to continue to do the advocating and things that bring so much joy and purpose to my otherwise stalemated life. I am so grateful to have her, and I encourage all who are living with dementia, yes do all you can for yourself but be brave enough to admit and get the help with the things you need help with, so that you can continue to live your best life.
But there is also the personal things, the people I would like to see, the trips I haven’t been able to take, the documentary I wanted to do, the backroads and small towns I have yet to visit, getting back to the ocean.
Somehow as Dementia robs us of so much, being hit with the added piece of Covid 19, seems to make it all more urgent, yet being stuck unable to get those things done, wondering if I will have the ability to hold steady until I can, or will I end up with a life incomplete?