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Frozen

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I feel like I’m frozen, stuck, unable to put thoughts into action, thought yesterday was Sunday, it was Wednesday. Not navigating things, having the thoughts but unable to put the pieces into place to actual turn the thought into actions or into tasks being done.
Swirling about, feeling like I am being ineffective, unproductive, not being able to start or complete anything, the executive function part of my brain seems to be stalled at the moment, organizational skills have disappeared. Strangely the thoughts are all there but the ability to do is missing. Sure makes me appreciate those days of clarity, those days of doing things as I would have in the past.
It erodes your confidence, your self esteem, these are the hard bits, the bits we often don’t talk about, the hard stuff, the changes we feel, others may not notice, but we do, sometimes these are blips, they come and go, just like the blood flow is at times good, somedays the function is good sometimes not, this week it has been the worst it has ever been.
I am still considered to be doing well and managing well, but I can tell you this stuff is hard, it erodes and eats away at the very core of who we are. I know many who are having changes in their abilities at this time, I wondered how much of it may be from a delay of some sort of the effects of covid, of our worlds changing so much in how we do things, or did things, our isolation, many areas coming out of lockdowns, others deeply entrenched in them still. Although for many pieces and parts for those with dementia we have been living a life of more isolation since diagnosis but that was truly and is in fact much more so since covid, yes we used zoom etc long before most, but other areas of our lives have been greatly impacted, and sometimes I think we have not acknowledged that to the point we should.
I have been working hard trying to make a difference for others living with dementia, advocating, doing all I can, but in all honesty, and if I’m honest, I don’t know how much more of the fight I have in me before I just want to withdraw and stop all of it. It’s getting harder and harder, and when little ever changes, seeing some kind of tangible change would likely give many of us a much needed boost to keep going to keep fighting. It’s doubly hard when part of your brain has all the thoughts of what you want to do and the other part wouldn’t unlock enough to allow you to actually do them, it’s exhausting.
Or maybe it’s just this new piece of abilities changing and disappearing that I need to settle into, I’m not sure at the moment, my mind is like a bouncing ball these days, thoughts bouncing around, nothing ever coming of them, I hate feeling so unproductive.
They say growing old isn’t for sissies, I can tell you living with dementia will test you unlike anything else, battling ones own mind, then battling all the compounding medical challenges that present.
If I was able I would be somewhere near the ocean right know until all that is going on in this brain and body came to a new understanding with itself.

By Chrissy's Journey

I am an advocate for people with dementia in Canada and globally, having been diagnosed with younger onset dementia myself a few years ago.

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