This resonates deeply with me, I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about the feelings and emotions that have been surfacing in me. Looking at them acknowledging them, allowing myself to feel them, finding ways to understand them and why they are surfacing at this time.
For example I have at this time zero tolerance and I actually get quite angry about selfish people. Being selfish at times is necessary and needed for your well being, but being selfish and unwilling to do the right things ahead of your own desires and wants when your actions impact others is not and totally different. That is the part that finds me angry,
I am normally a very forgiving person someone who is willing to overlook those things in others, presently I am not. So I have had to look at why. Partly I believe it is because the pandemic has gone on for so long and for those of us living with dementia and other illnesses who are more vulnerable and at risk it means we have been isolated and impacted to a greater degree than many. And even know that things are starting to open up, I along with many others must continue to be vigilant because we know even though we have had our two vaccines, the Delta variant, which is not fully protected by the vaccines are at a greater risk, so we continue to feel the impacts.
Second to that is the heat wave, fires and smoke, which has found me for the most part even further house bound. My love of nature and time in it halted again.
Yes a lot of people are still trying to get out and about and do some things, they are happy to put themselves at risk of the damage to their systems from the smoke. For me the heat and the smoke both impact my vascular system, creating inflammation, which impacts all ready challenging blood flow issue which directly impacts my dementia. I could still further damage and further hurt my ability for a quality of life, by putting myself into the danger zone of trying to be outdoors, but I have worked hard since my diagnosis to give my self the best chance of quality of life for as long as possible, so tossing all that to the wind at the moment is not an option for me. I am looking forward to the days when I can ride my bike again, when I can go for walks, when I can go to sleep without severe headaches and wake up without one.
In the meantime I have to deal with the emotional elements that come with the current situation, I cry more readily, I am much more sensitive. Yes I am angry, I am angry at those that think they should still have the right to go out into the back country, that they should still be allowed to be on the lakes,and having “their holidays”, with little to no regard for the overall impact and strain they add to a system struggling to manage. I am angry at the people who go out onto the forest service roads and toss bottles and cans and garbage, thinking they have the right to totally disregard this earth, yet think they can use it without having to give anything back or at the very minimum not do damage. Every area I go into I spent my time picking up those cans, bottles and garbage, bringing it out, other people’s mess, because I care about the animals, the rivers and streams, I care about the forests, so I can readily identify that that’s where my anger that I am feeling stems from because I can’t control the selfish ignorance or others. If we only had the fires started by natural occurrences we would have a much easy time to manage them, but when half are caused by the reckless and careless selfish acts of humans, it makes me angry, it makes me angry that people think it’s ok to go out into the waterways, lakes, oceans, rivers, because they enjoy it, but then think it’s ok to toss their cans, bottles and garbage out the side of the boats. Yup I’m angry and I’ll own it. I won’t try to understand and accept people’s justification for the behaviour, because people know right from wrong, it’s a choice. All I can do is my part, which one day when it is safe for me I will go and attempt to clean up other people’s left behind mess. I will acknowledge the sadness, the anger and all the other emotions it brings, so that I can come out the other side of it all and still be a kind and caring individual. For now, looking after my health, emotional, mental and physical is what I need to do and am doing, trying to remain hopeful and positive. My dementia has definitely been effected, and I’m hoping that once I no longer have to fight the impacts of the inflammation caused by the smoke and heat perhaps I will see some of those impacts improve.
Today I’m going to focus on my little dog Pheobe, who is sleeping in today, I’ve been let her tear up and down the hallway of the building so she can get a little exercise, she doesn’t manage the heat or smoke either, we are a good team and she is definitely my silver lining.