I love the message in the above picture, its one of those things when you first see it you stop and pause, and then you think wow this is so true and so relevant somehow to me for me at this time at this moment. Many of my changes are becoming increasingly more difficult to maneuver around, they are just there on display for anyone who cares enough to notice. More importantly I guess is I am aware and thats not an easy place to sit, aware yet unable to stop them from happening , it causes inner turmoil, causes me to go within more, its to hard to try to explain, its exhausting living in it. I believe if I were not on my own, it might be easy to give in and not fight so hard to stay independent, it might be easy to hand the reigns over, so being on my own in some ways with this illness is a blessing because it forces me to fight, it forces me to keep figureing out ways to keep goingalthough many many days I have sat and cried and wished I wasn’t doing this alone. I have not been attending many things have missed other things simply because I am struggling at this point. Not struggling in the sense that I need more care, but struggling in the sense, I can’t keep the whens and wheres in order, the days are spent adrift, even a few hours of activities or visiting or just stimulation in general is exhausting. I have been focusing on trying to make sure I am doing enough of things to be social interacting, so I don’t lose my social skills, and interaction and connection is so important, but over the last week or two I have learnt that being busy physically or mentally or both at the same time, I can only navigate for 3 or four hours. Its been a good and necessary step in accepting this new phase I have seemingly moved into. Some days I skip everything because I just feel like I am not following things, or conversations, that my ability to remain with is not there, so I just stay puttering around lost inside my self with my own thoughts, doing whatever is making me happy in the moment. I have and will continue to pop in and putter around at the flower store, on whatever day I feel its something I may want to do for an hour or two or whatever i feel up, its not a job, its the owners being happy to allow me come do whatever I like and then go on my way, it feeds my soul, I also know I am no longer able to work at what be traditional type jobs, a set number of hours or days and punch a clock, because me everything is so unpredictable for me. So I am deeply grateful that they allow me the opportunity to spend whatever time I want feeding my soul playing in the plants. I am amazed at how getting my hands in the dirt brings me such a sense of calm, a peacefulness and oh almost giddy, overcome with joy and excitement. Its been good to finally settle and accept this is where I am, coming to terms with this new phase, its been a challenging time, but I am still here, I am grateful. I will do what I feel I can manage on the days I feel I can, the rest of the time Ill just be happy right here doing something or nothing at all.
Its also made me understand that My advocating can ebb and flow too its ok to do it differently. It has made me realize that just like many many wonderful volunteers out there, in many different roles in our communities, they often feel like they have to keep going, keep giving of themselves when truth be told we should be doing more to help them do more fir themselves to remind them to live to not stop their dreams, that its ok to take time for themselves. Where would the world be without all those dedicated people, and we should not forget that all our advocacy work is volunteer.
In this collage below the first picture is a new work of art i created trying new mediums I have never worked with. its not finished Im looking foward to seeing the final piece. These are the types of things I am enjoying . So no matter where we may be on our journey may we offer ourselves the grace to do what our brains, hearts and souls are asking us to do. I hope with each decline that i will be able to maintain that for myself.