Yes it’s true, I’m struggling these days, so although people always see me as super strong, I am human, sometimes it almost feels as though that is forgotten. I am a human who lives with a terminal illness, who lives alone, who has fears and worries, who sometimes because she feels changes happening becomes extremely emotional, worries about her future and what will happen to her.
So right know I’m going through a deeply emotional time, I feel drained, I feel like I’m drowning, can’t catch my breath. That positive energetic piece is missing at the moment, replaced by apprehensiveness, by some impatience towards others and things and it feels like the only time I’m finding peace and the ability to breathe is when I’m out in nature away from everything.
So even the strongest of steel bends, and even the strongest of people crumble. Sometimes we like to hear we are strong other times we want to scream “ I’m tired of having to be strong all the time”, sometimes we would give anything to have someone to share the load with, because it’s a big load, and just because we live with our illness doesn’t make us exempt from all the other challenges life throws at us. Yes these last couple weeks I’ve been struggling, and it’s ok. I allow myself to go through and feel the things I’m feeling, I cry,( there’s that human piece coming through), I feel sad, I think about a lot of things and people.
I won’t stay in that place, I’ll rise strong again, because it’s who I am, mostly because I don’t have a choice, my leaning post ( aka Uwe Thelker, my Deceased husband) Was ripped out from me years ago, yet somedays feels like yesterday, it’s his birthday Tuesday, was always a great day of celebration, oh how I miss that, how I miss him, is that part of my struggling absolutely hits me every year. But it isn’t the only thing, I feel changes, I see and live with the challenges they bring, I’m always working at my new normal, changing how I do things to accommodate the changes as they happen, honestly it’s exhausting, that’s what Dementia is, it’s just bloody exhausting, it’s less scary, it’s more frustrating and it’s mostly exhausting.
Later this morning, I will pack my cooler head to the bush, seek quiet, seek peacefulness, this phase of struggling shall pass too, but sometimes we need to own, admit it, that glamourous, life of dementia being showcased in its very real and unglamorous light. I’m grateful that I’m able to still get out to where I can find that peacefulness, sometimes I wonder what will happen to me when I’m no longer able, and I don’t have my leaning post to provide it.