Today was one of those days, well actually I’ve been struggling a lot for a few weeks, maybe I’ve alluded to that. I thought that perhaps this chain of events was caused by the smoke from the fires, it triggers responses in my body that aren’t good. Today my specialist confirmed it, Funny how well we understand how our body is working, but I guess after six years going through the constant changes one should have a good understanding. I’ve been feeling like My body has been in crisis again, and trying desperately to do all I can to prevent a told free fall and end up with another long hospital stay. The fatigue at these times is unbelievable. I go to bed at 5 sometimes 6 at night, in bed till 7/730 am, three hours later ready for bed but I push through the day. Grateful that I can still push.
He was worried because the smoke is supposed to come back over the next few days, it has created the inflammation in my system, because of my lungs only being 40 to 50%, this creates lack of oxygen, creates my heart to work to hard and all other organs, it creates brain pain, because of inflammation and lack of oxygen.
there is nothing they can give me, the drugs actually make me worse, they’ve tried that, so keep walking, nothing strenuous, but do what I can, if the smoke the comes back I have to really limit my out door time,. It’s effects on my dementia are front and centre, the daily struggles amplified. This is also why I gain weight, it’s so frustrating when you work so hard at nutrition and staying active, but living with a terminal illness creates all kinds of strange things to occur within your system. We are going to see how I do over the next two weeks, hopefully my system will rebound, if not another plan to make. Most days I don’t mind I just live with whatever today gives me grateful for the things I can still do, but sometimes it all crashes down and you just want to have a melt down, to cry, you ask yourself, why do I keep fighting so hard. Somedays you question everything. Those days don’t happen often because I am a positive person I am feisty and I am a fighter. But every once in awhile, it hits you. This afternoon was that time for me. Listening to the doctor I just felt defeated. I know every time this happens my rebound takes longer, it’s slower and I never regain where I was. It is my reality, but I do also have things I need to accomplish, I need to make sure change happens, I want to finish my second book, I have a couple projects on the go just waiting for covid to leave so I can get them done. I have things to do….so I fight.
Tonight tucked into bed, I know today was necessary, and tomorrow will unfold as it needs to.