Today starts another month, 2021 seems to be going by at a full gallop. It feels like time is racing, I was feeling as though it was just me feeling it but it seems many are. I wondered if it was because I have no real sense of time anymore but apparently even people without dementia are finding time going faster. I sometimes wonder if it’s because I just simply forget much of the pieces of the day, my short term memory is really quite bad know. I forget things as fast as they happen, sometimes they flutter back later other times not at all. My long term is quite good except in some ways, I have some very large completely blank spots, in other bits I remember bits and pieces but don’t recall all of the information such as why I was somewhere or who was with me or why I was there, but I will recall being somewhere and how it felt being there. It’s a strange way to be I suppose but not an uncomfortable way to be. I wonder does this all have something to do with why it feels as though time is racing by.
We are still in lockdown, for someone living alone, it’s been a very long road. I wonder if I will or how I will manage when the world opens up, will the effects of living in a bubble of one start to show, will I no longer be interested in rejoining “ life as we new it”. Although my life had become more isolated before the pandemic, will I know be happy to just live in this complete solitude.
I really do miss having a bit of a yard so I could dig in the dirt, that’s the one thing that truly is missing for me, and I miss being able to go somewhere where I could sit by the ocean, smell the sea air. Walk along the beach with my toes in the sand. That is where I have always felt my best.
It seems I’ve lost sight of my original thoughts in writing today, but that’s ok too, just like three different times I forget to start my laundry the other day.
The other thing I was thinking about was how some days I feel like I’m zoomed out, like it’s too much, too many meetings, then at other times I feel so fortunate and grateful for zoom, for surely life would have been unimaginable being alone and isolated for over a year know, like this last week, hosting several of our groups, much laughter and joy was shared, I attended a DAI webinar with Dr. Kozhi Makai, it was so uplifting, I had a few coffee dates over video messenger calls, some with friends who live in other areas, with my step daughter and my grandchildren, with a couple friends who live right here, but they have ensured to stay connected. So my heart overflowed. Do I ever feel lonely, of course I do, I have dementia, but I am not without feelings, if anything my feelings are in sharper focus than ever. But I acknowledge those feelings, like last night I was watching a documentary series on Netflix about love, it followed six couples journey through their lives together, I cried, I cried because it reminded of how being alone has not and was not my choice for my life, I miss my husband, I wanted us to grow old together, I watched that program, and I could picture and feel us together. I miss friends that have given up on the friendship, I miss seeing the kids and getting the opportunities to make memories with the grandchildren, I miss family members who for so much of life were with me, so yes the loneliness comes. But it doesn’t stay, because I focus on all the things I still have to be grateful for, the video calls and zooms. So although at times I feel zoomed out, more often I feel blessed that I live in a time when we have all this wonderful abilities to stay connected, with those who chose to stay connected with us.
So as another month gets underway, and most of the last four of this year are already a muddled and foggy and of blank time for me, I will look forward to the coming month, with gratitude for I am still here to enjoy and make the most of whatever it holds.
Chrissy's Journey 