There are times and moments in our lives that forever are etched in our hearts and minds. There are moments that change us in ways and on levels that few understand until they walk their own journey.
It is coming up to one of the most difficult and tragic, beautiful weeks of my life, all in one week, scattered over a couple of years. Barely capturing your breath from one until the next happens. Knowing that as much as you believe in the healing powers of self care, of acceptance, of allowing yourself the right to grief, of rebuilding and recalibrating until you have forged a life that may in fact be good, may in fact be filled with many great things, there is times that take you back, to emotions, to longings to reviewing, to rethinking.
It is not about being depressed, no I am not depressed I am deeply sad, there is a difference, sometimes they are intertwined sometimes they are completely different things, in this case they are totally different things. I can say that I am deeply sad at the very deepest levels, missing some very important pieces of my life, I am allowing myself to sit in this sadness, to feel it, to think about it, all of it, to think about how it has effected me, about what parts and pieces I miss the most. I am allowing myself the time and space to feel it all to remember it all, I am giving myself space to re- emerge, feeling reenergized, reinvigorated, but I cannot get to that space without first allowing myself this space.
In a five day span, I deal with the wedding anniversary to the man, the one person, who in my life, loved me selflessly, wholly. Who accepted all the broken pieces and parts of what makes me, me and he loved me that way. He loved me deeply, he was my best friend, my confidant, his love for me knew no bounds, nothing anyone said or did could impact his pure love for me. I blossomed with his love, I lived the best parts of my life with him. I loved him as wholly as he did me, I would and did go to no ends to be there for him and with him. I love him today just as wholly today as I did when he was still here in the physical world with me. I still feel his presence often, I still know he is with me, I know with all that I am that we will be reunited when it is our time.
But even in knowing that, even having peace in the fact that he was called home far sooner than he or I could have ever anticipated, having peace in knowing I did all that I could to ensure his end of life is how he wanted it to be. Even in knowing all that, as I approach the week that is fast approaching, I settle into this profound and deep sadness. I think about all the little things I miss, the little things, no one really knows, the little things about like that one of our favourite and special moments of shared conversations or solving concerns, of making plans was in the shower, with water falling around us. It created a space that we loved, the water warm, relaxing us, allowing us to share those intimate conversations, maybe thats why my love of water is so deep and I’m always searching for waterfalls. I miss sitting at the top of Canoe Mountain where his ashes are spread, and his head stone rests, I am needing a trip up there so badly, we used to take a thermos of coffee and sit at the top of the mountain on the back of the truck having coffee, looking in awe at the wonder of all that stretched before us, sometimes we just sat not talking, just sipping coffee, holding hands, I miss feeling the touch of his hands, that were strong, and yet so gentle, the sparkle of his crystal clear blue eyes., I miss going to sleep each night enveloped in his arms, knowing as he always told me that as long as we were together we would get through anything, it was the safest, happiest place I have ever been. It was the deepest connection I have ever had to another human being and I long for that connection, I miss that connection, and it doesn’t matter how many years go by and this year will be 16 years since he left this world, I miss that connection, so deeply. I would Marry him a thousand times over given the chance, but I know that we are married forever, and on the other side of this life our life together will once again be. Our Anniversary is June 7th, he died June 12th, the best day melts into the worst and yet I cherish every moment, every memory.
I find it hard because as much as I want to remember and cherish our life, not many people are comfortable talking about those pieces of our lives.
The other big event for me was the loss of my mother, 2 years after my husband, I had not yet found my footing from his loss, when I lost my mother. The one woman who influenced and impacted my life more than any other person. Her strength and resilience was beyond measure, and without her willingness to share and teach me about that I likely could not have managed through the loss of my husband and then her. She was kind, generous, funny, she had a great spirit, she was forgiving, non judgemental, and she was always giving of herself to help make others lives better. She graced me with spending her final time in life with me, and when she wanted to die at home, I said OK, and with the help of my doctor it was like she was allowed to orchestrate her exit from this life into another on her terms. I did everything I could to ensure it happened, from having a choir coming in to sing hymns with her and surrounded with family and friends, it was a special time, one forever etched in all those who were witness to it.
I miss all the special times with her, taking her to garage sales, to teas, traveling the highways to go see family and friends, to Helmut’s (a german specialty store) for all the good german products, she would get so excited to get. To laughing so hard she would say stop stop I’m going to pee my pants, and then laugh some more, watching her face after seeing be reunited with my sister in Germany after 28 years, sharing the journey with her and letting her show me and share with me her home country. It was a trip that had a lasting effect on me, and I hope to return again one day. Watching her face lit up when she was surrounded by those she cared about. I miss the conversations about the hard parts of life, I miss how she pulled us all together, I miss that connection, that very special connection, I miss the friendship I had with her, I miss having her never ending supply of filling me with a sense of pride and ability in myself when I seemed to lose it. I miss her so very deeply. I remember in those final days, as they etched closer, one of our conversations, she said, I’m going to go soon, I said I know mom, its ok, and then I said, just promise me you won’t leave me the same day Uwe left me, I can’t manage that, she said I know, and she didn’t. My mother never let me down, I’m sure I let her down at times, but she never let me down. Even at the time of leaving this world she didn’t.
Mom died on June the 9th, peacefully and content, all my doors and windows open, as she wanted because she said her spirit needed to be able to be free, she didn’t want to get trapped in the house, and I know when her wings given granted she soared free, and I know she watches over me, she guides me, but I still miss her presence in my life.
I normally have always taken that week and gone away and done and spent some special time, last year I couldn’t because of the pandemic, this year again I cannot, so I am looking at the ways that I can ensure I still give myself the time and space to feel the sadness, to smile, to laugh and cry, to remember.
And maybe because of the pandemic, I’m not really sure, but I know that in this sadness it has really made me see how alone I am in this world, how I know so many, yet I am alone, without that very important connection with another human being like I had with my mom, and my husband. It’s ok that thats how it is, I am and have just become more aware. I seem to have become more aware of many things on a much deeper level. Maybe thats what one must do in order to continue to grow.
So as I move through to what will be a difficult stretch, but coming out the other side lighter, softer, gentler, growing in ways I have yet to see. I will always be grateful that I have had the experience of that deep connection and love I had from my husband, and that complete love and joy from my mother.