Last night was a night of night terrors, they are awful when they come, you can’t escape them, you can’t shake them. You can’t figure out if you’re dreaming or if it’s all real. I have been lucky to not have these night terrors often, but when they do, they level me.
Finally at 415 this morning, I caught up turned all the lights on and made coffee, sitting in my bed trying to shake this feeling of horror that had held me captive for most of then night.
I’m exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally today, wondering if watching the movie ” The Father”, and all the emotional elements it brought out in me at something to do with the re-visit of the night terrors. You try so hard to wake yourself from them, but you can’t, it has a hold of you, like something else or someone else has taken over your brain, its one of the worst feelings I’ve experienced. I know others who have dementia who have to deal with these terrors a lot of the time, my heart breaks for them, for this is nothing that can be made any less than how awful it truly is. Sometimes people call the hallucinations because they are so real, I call them terrors because thats what it feels like being terrorized all night long. So today is about breathing, breathing in breathing out, let it go, waiting for it to be shaken from my being.
I almost feel like I should put out a caution to anyone who has dementia about seeing the movie, on the one hand its important we see and ensure as best we can how we are depicted, because if its not accurate we need to sound the alarm. On the other hand if it brings such an emotional response that you end up having night terrors or hallucinations or an unexpected hard emotional response is it worth it? I can’t answer that, but I am convinced that the response I had surfaced last night in the form of night terrors. I can’t help but think that if someone had try to bring me out of it, I may have hurt them. That is a hard acknowledgment, but it is the honest one. I missed our Sunday Living Alone meeting today, I was all set to go, but because of how I felt after the night I had, I thought better of it. Maybe next week.
Today I am listening to music and soothing my soul, that feels very battered and bruised. Ebb and Flow, Ebb and Flow, waiting for the seas of my soul to be still again.