Making a big decision, making a decision that for every bit of you that knows it’s the right thing for you to do, yet it still is breaking your heart into a million pieces, but for your own well being you make it.
Knowing that this was not down in anger, or discourse of any kind but done from within a place of self care (and self care is not a selfish act), It was something required mind, body and soul.
I slept for hours, but it was restful sleep, something that hadn’t happened for a long time. The next day, was a very quiet day, in solitude, and then I hit the wall, the wall that makes you cancel everything and you know you can’t even talk to anyone. When you’ve been running with too much stress, often self created because we put so much on ourselves to try to do and manage so much in an attempt to do good things, but we forget ourselves in the equation, and then one day you just have to stop. If we are lucky enough we stop before we are stopped,My health has taken the hit, I can ill afford to push those limits unless I’m willing to sacrifice whatever life I have left. Push myself to another stroke/ heart issues, I am unwilling to sacrifice and jeopardize my already compromised system, I am wanting to have a quality of life for whatever life I have left, that means being honest with oneself even if it means your heart is going to break.
Hitting the wall meant I needed to be away from the computer, the texts, phone, emails all of it. So yesterday was 9.5 hours out in the woods, where cell phones don’t work, where the only sound is that of birds, frogs, leaves, water, 230 kilometres ( or 143 miles) travelled yesterday, hugging trees, chatting with the universe dusty dirty, yes this is restorative, I will rest today and tomorrow I will be doing the same.
You see doing what was right for oneself does not always make it easy or mean that it doesn’t hurt, but it can and should guide you through to healing, so that you can then rebalance and find ways to still do much of what you love just from a different seat. It’s actually good to sit in a different seat at times, changes the view and perspective, actually can keep you from becoming stagnant and ineffective.
I slept a very solid 12 hours last night, feeling like I am taking the right and necessary steps to rejuvenate and heal. Feeling grateful for all those that understood how difficult and heartbreaking my decision was, and for the support. It will help as I move into rebalancing, for it was those very people who I represented sitting in that seat, and they are the very reason that I knew it was time to make room for someone else to sit in it. Selfishly I could have stayed in it, but out of love for all those I was supposed to be representing, I knew it was my time, because being in that chair really had little to do with me, for I was just a vessel for which things would/ could/ should flow. I do truly believe that sometimes a persons best work can be done on the ground floor, so this where I will be for now. It doesn’t mean in time I may not be able to offer to once again take another seat, it just means right know my well being, mind, body and soul, could be the only thing that came into the decision, and thats not an easy thing to do, we try to bargain with ourselves even, but in the end, your body, your heart and soul will guide you, you just have to be willing to take the steps.
I am going to miss much of what I was doing, but I will also enjoy just attending many things without the responsibilities that come with being on a board. My view will be different for sure.
DAI is such a big part of me and it still will be, hopefully always will be, but I need to be as big a part of me as that. I have scaled back some other things I was doing and revamped some other areas, and over the next couple months will focus a lot of time and attention inward and a lot of time and attention of finding my spark, I feel like I have lost my spark, and I will find it again I just have to have the time to do it and the only one who can me permission to put the time and energy into myself is me. This has been a difficult time.
I also had to make the decision to break down and buy some depends briefs, for when I leave the house, not an easy thing to do at this age, but I will settle into it. I decided better to do that than suffer the embarrassment of having a flood while out somewhere. It wouldn’t matter much out in the woods, except that I don’t want to be uncomfortable.Vanity is not something I can afford at this point.
Today is spent quietly at home with my dog, making the preparations for tomorrows day out in nature, there are a lot of preparations, one has to be ready for all things, extra food and water, extra clothing, shoes, first aid supplies, you must always be prepared to survive if you get stuck out in the woods, so know that I am mostly ready, I will just relax, until its time for a nice hot shower before hopefully another restful sleep. And a couple other Photos from the day. Tomorrow will be another day of no cells, no wifi, or internet, Nothing is more needed right now for me.