Navigating the Unknown

Its been 11 days since my world was turned upside down, and it should and is for the most part turned up side down in a good way. I feel better than I have felt in years, I literally feel 10 years younger. No pain, no fatigue, inflammation almost completely gone. Lung function improved, energy abounds walking hours each day. It’s a miracle, it’s a gift.

It came in the form of the much controversial vaccine, a high dose of Moderna. I have been tagged as one of the rare cases that they are seeing where it is actually changing how the immune system is working, helping various people, perhaps this will allow for more help for people with inflammatory illnesses, maybe something good to come form all of this covid. So I should be elated, jumping for joy, over the moon with happiness and excitement. On many levels I am, very grateful for sure, but I am also struggling to settle with this new found sense of wellness.

Trying to process it and what it means going forward is more difficult and troubling than I normally would encounter. In the past when having to deal with a change, like when given my dementia diagnosis, although, devastating, I was able to process and move into it and once I found support through DAI it became something that living with was doable. This however feels so foreign, almost like I’m living in someone else’s body suddenly, its so unfamiliar, there was no being somewhat prepared, as I was with my Dementia diagnosis, I new I was not ok, I new something was wrong, it was a matter of working through to get the diagnosis.

This is so opposite, going to bed, plagued by pain and fatigue, so much body inflammation it was visible to all, to wake up feeling vibrant, energized, full of life, able to breathe, walk with ease, no pain. It’s like questioning if this can be real, if this can be happening to me, for the first couple days I wondered if this was the up we see in people before the final decline to death.

More questions than answers, yet knowing the doctors have some answers but this is all new for them too. Will it last? Will it peak and then the decline back to or worse than before? Will this require a dose of this vaccine once a year of 6 months or ever?

I know I should just embrace it and be thrilled but after feeling so sick for so long, its hard to process the sudden change and by sudden I mean within 24 hours, if you are sick and slowly get better that is expected, this was totally not expected by anyone let alone myself. How is this going to impact my dementia? Another unknown, reduced inflammation should mean clearer days, should mean a slower process of the disease. But will that happen?

It has somehow changed me, I can’t explain it, I feel so very different than 2 weeks ago, it’s making decisions impossible. Never one to procrastinate, just make a decision and go with it, right or wrong, you can always change things later, that was me. know I can’t seem to make a decision over the simplest things, let alone the big ones. i’m way more emotional than I normally am.

I have decided the best course of action is to talk to the doctors some more and then just try to be kind to myself and give myself time to settle into this new found gift of life, and truly thats what it feels like, a gift of life, one day you’re facing the do I need to look at assisted living, knowing you are in the 8th year of a 3 to 8 year prognosis, to being handed new life. It’s a lot to process, it also comes with some feelings of quilt because you know so many who are struggling with their own illnesses. It’s just a lot, I sort of feel like I am stuck between these two very different worlds or places, and who and what I am know and how do I proceed? A confusing time.


Pondering As January 3rd begins

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I have the feeling that we may have a rough 5 or 6 weeks a head with the new covid variant but I also believe that by the end of February we will enter a time of endemic , and that things will start to improve. I don’t think our world will ever return to what it was but I don’t actually believe it should. we have so much that needs our attention. Our climate, our oceans, and lakes and streams, our wildlife. our health care systems, our seniors, our young, it seems everywhere we look there is a crisis looming, so we need to go forward, to do better, to be better at being humans. It feels like we’ve really fumbled that up.

I spend 17 hours in bed last night through till this morning, changing and challenging health issues has meant it’s been a super quiet holiday season for me, but the better part of the last couple years has been that way. It did make me think about how and what we will see for many with dementia through 2022.

It is well documented that people with dementia would be impacted do a greater degree than most by covid, and for a variety of reasons, isolation, lack of stimulation and engagement, weaker immune symptoms, which makes them more susceptible to many other illnesses. I have watched many of my global family of people living with dementia being effected by more serious health complications, declines in their overall well being. I can’t help but wonder as the world opens back up in whatever fashion that may be, the enormous toll taken on those with dementia. I do believe that everyone regardless of their health conditions, from the most fit and healthiest to people with various health concerns have been impacted, I am not meaning to take away from that. But as an Advocate about living with dementia and for others living with dementia, I think we will have to look at how we are advocating and I wonder will it bring changes in what we need advocating for. I do think we need to really pay close attention as we move forward and have honest conversations about the impacts on ourselves from our perspective and for those with partners from their perspectives as well.

I don’t know what 2022 has in store for me, but none of us really do, but whatever it is I will take it day by day. I hope all those living with Dementia remember to go a little easier on yourselves and for everyone regardless of if they live with dementia or not that this can and may be a year of healing, healing relationships, ( if they are meant to be healed, some are meant to just let be), healing of ourselves of our hearts and minds and souls, for I think often we forget to look inside and see what is hurting and spend some quality time healing our selves. that we can all find a place where we feel at peace from the inside out. That we can find a way to be a little gentler a little more patient and a little kinder as we make our way into this new world.

I am leaving you with a few pictures of my time between Christmas and New Years, when I felt well enough to be outside even for just a fews minutes, and snapped a few pictures. I hope as January unveils itself it showers you all with many blessings for the coming year.


An Unepected Morning of things to be Grateful For

My new fridge is arriving this today, its been on back order, so this morning I had to be up early to have the other one ready to go, it started leaking some kind of free-on, or antifreeze or whatever is in them these days a while ago, my landlord ordered a new one, but because of all the delays in getting things we didn’t know when it would get here, but today is the day. I am grateful that my landlord is so good about ensuring things are in proper running order and getting things fixed. I then had to get to my physiotherapy appointment, got back home to see a call from a Interior Health line, I answered to find my doctor on the other end, an unexpected call, right away he said he doesn’t like my vocal sounds at all, we talked about how we are waiting for some stuff from my specialist, then talked about the ongoing lung issues, fatigue and swallowing problems. He said he was at the hospital today, he is at the Cancer Clinic at the hospital on Thursdays as he is not only my GP but he is an oncologist as well, and spends Thursdays there, but he said he decided he needed to check on me, thus the unexpected call. He decided he was going to talk to the specialist while he is in the hospital about my swallowing and vocal issues and after he hung up I then had a call from his office saying he wants to see me in is office Saturday morning, not the usual day or time for a doctor to see patients. All of this has me feeling so grateful, I now how many people don’t have doctors, I know how many people struggle to see their doctors and get appointments so, when people wonder why I am always so unwilling to leave here, it is because I have such a good team of doctors and starting over could cause me a lot more harm, and the real possibility of ending up without care is something I am not willing to do at this point.

I am concerned about whats happening to my vocal abilities, and whats going on with my swallowing,I’ve thought about what will happen if I wake up when day and my vocal abilities are just gone, how will being on my own look then? A person cannot help but to think about all these things, or at least I can’t, maybe thats because I have learnt to try to be ready to adapt to new ways of managing things since my diagnosis. Regardless, I am very grateful that my doctor is so willing to do so much on my behalf, its something I hope never to take for granted. So no matter what I do try to find the positive in things and today all the positives were shining through, from my landlord to my doctors. I don’t and won’t sit and feel bad for myself as there is still far too much to enjoy and appreciate each and every day. I hope each of you can find something to be grateful for today.


Empathy Have We Lost It

When I came across the above the other day I just stopped, read it and reread it. It rang so true for me, it spoke exactly to many conversations of late about the lack of social responsibility by so many.
Later that same day an article was sent to me. The article is posted here. The article speaks to empathy and more directly the need for, it in the leadership of organizations and companies. I read it reflected back to times in my working life where empathy was either present or totally lacking. I thought about it and how it also applies to our everyday life. We have had many conversations lately about how much anger there seems to be, and anger that is being mis directed much of the time. If we are angry about the way something is being handled or managed then we need to ask ourselves some hard questions, and a lot of anger is over the pandemic, well this pandemic just like pandemics of the past was not brought about on purpose, conspiracy people will argue with that, the bigger question is why do we feel its someone else’s problem to solve that we should not have our lives inconvenienced, that our individual rights supersede the rights of the greater community. we are willing to disturb our health care systems, and many other things all in a bid to be right, I struggle to understand how we have walked away from having empathy for others, for caring about our communities and those in it. And its not just over the pandemic, Canada in my opinion is in Crisis, we have a crisis in our health care system, our long term care system, an opiate crisis, a homeless crisis, a housing crisis, our seniors are in crisis, pensions that they paid their whole life into leaves them deciding between rent and food and medicine, its shameful. We turn a blind eye, we get angry and frustrated, but we continue to take part in the commercialism that has made us and our country so sick. I was forced away from that when i was diagnosed with dementia, disability does not pay enough to do much more than barely survive, and each year it becomes harder. Somehow those of living with dementia see it all differently somehow, at our meetings there is no judgements, only support and understanding, we don’t always agree on all things but we are always respectful, there is a great deal of empathy, no one wants sympathy, most of us actually feel that we are living pretty joyful and happy lives despite our illness. We really show up for each other, we care about each others well being, we don’t see or hear the “me” or the i don’t care as long as it doesn’t impact me, we care about how things are impacting each and every one of us. Maybe having the support systems
in place have given us a gift that is missing for so many, that connection, that sense of belonging to something bigger than us. A real sense of community. I’m grateful that I have had that, the last 18 months would have been unbearable without it.

I am not feeling to proud as a Canadian right know when I see all the crisis staring at us, it saddens me that we just want people moved and pushed anywhere as long as its not our neighbourhood, its a poor way to treat others, I watched numerous people walk by someone on the curb right out my door, checking on him, he was indeed alive, no one seemed to care, the paramedics and police came and tended to him, he is still a human, he is still someones son, brother. The other night we had a robbery on the property where i live, its not the homeless, its not the drug addict, it was someone who goes home to their lovely home, they were driving their fancy Audi, followed by a very expensive truck, but we judge people by what they look like and have instead of who they are. Often we are blaming the wrong people for the things we don’t like.
We have a lot of things that need fixing, and its easy to come overwhelmed by it, but if we look at how we can each make a difference, each little bit becomes a lot over time, if we all wait for some one else to fix it all, things will become worse not better. I hope we find a way to let go of the anger, the resentments and work towards finding our empathy, and how to focus on what it really means to walk this earth.


Dementia Awareness Month

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Its almost the end of Dementia Awareness Month, it has been and still in many areas still referred to as Alzheimer Awareness, but those living with dementia ( Alzheimer’s is just one type of dementia, have been working hard to have it changed and known as dementia awareness month. Its been a long time coming but we are finally starting to see progress, and we welcome the change. Alzheimer’s has been the most publicized type of dementia but it has given a rather negative and false few of what dementia is, much of the public has very little knowledge of the other types of dementia. This has not served those with dementia and I welcome all the hard work by all those who have spent years advocating which is finally bringing more awareness and the welcomed shift from Alzheimers awareness to Dementia Awareness.

I tweeted yesterday that I was dumbfounded that we are still having to hear statements like ” you don’t look like you have dementia”, made. There is no there illness that people have at least to my knowledge that have this type of statement made to or about, to me statements like that show a complete lack of respect for the person, and all people living with dementia, it also shows the complete lack of knowledge and highlights how much work those of us advocating still have to do.

It is not all negative though, there is so much incredible work being done, more collaboration and inclusion of people with dementia at all levels in all areas. Those advocating often feel like they are not being heard, and that changes are not happening soon enough, understandable when living with a progressive and terminal illness, never knowing how much time you have to try to see and work on getting the changes to happen, But the voices of all those are being heard, every small change, every small step bring us one step closer to have real and lasting change for those living with dementia. Things like dementia friendly communities, ( although i believe inclusive communities for all is better, the term dementia friendly to me create more segregation which is something that we are still fighting to have stopped, it is also why we work hard to educate about the importance of language.
There is many amazing people living with dementia and contributing so much to advocate on so many levels, so as the Dementia Awareness months comes to a close I want to say thank you to all of them, for all the ways they contribute, for their endless giving of themselves for the betterment of all, thank you to all those who lead the way for those of us currently advocating, and a heartfelt thank you to all those I have had the pleasure to work with, to form friendships with, you all deserve to be acknowledged, so Thank you for all you do, it is an honour to know so many incredible people.


In Gratitude

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Wow, today I am finally feeling like I have sort of processed being awarded the very prestigious Richard Taylor Award for my advocacy work. It has taken me a few days to process and I’m sure I will continue to process it for days to come. But I have sat back and really thought deeply about what it means to me. For me being awarded this incredible award means that those who I work with respect the work I do, those who have been impacted by some of what I do inspire me to keep going.

I’m truly blessed to have the pleasure of working along side so many great people, and to have and continue to have such great mentors. For without all those before me and all the work they have done, my voice may not have ever been heard. I owe much to all of them and I have the utmost respect for all those living with Dementia who are doing so much to try to have our voices heard, to bring awareness to end the Stigma. Knowing that at times we all get tired, and we all wonder if what we are doing truly matters, clearly it does, receiving this award propels me to keep going.

There are not enough words to thank all those who have helped me in my drive to make a difference, those living with Dementia, DAI, and DAC and DAA, ADI and all the researchers as well as everyone that I have met along the way, those who have helped by having me on their shows and podcasts, to the people who help behind the scenes, for without them, I could not function, after all I do have Dementia and it does come with its challenges, but having mentors, having colleagues, having people volunteer their time to help me achieve my goals it is truly an award that I share with them.

So Thank you to all who have and continue to be part of my journey, this award is not just mine but yours as well. I appreciate everyone of you in more ways than you know, I treasure each relationship, and my dementia as given me the gift of all of you and for this I am truly Grateful.

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Have we learned any lessons

I’m sitting here at the beach looking down the valley at the smoke looking out at the water I probably shouldn’t be out but I am having a coffee watching the ducks bob along and I’m wondering have we really aren’t any lessons.

I’m wondering since there’s been less activity both at the shores of the water edge and on the water with less people tossing garbage polluting the waterways although sad that it’s because our forests are all burning up and we’ve lost towns and communities will this reprieve by this time next year have been enough to help our waterways.

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Will we have a learn to respect on my hands and our waters and all that nature provides us for without it we can’t survive and yet we disrespected so much and have for so long has this year been enough between Covid and it is continuous rampage to our unprecedented heat waves and our fires in another corners of the world floods and all kinds of devastation how we learn the lessonsWill we have a learn to respect on my hands and our waters and all that nature provides us for without it we can’t survive and yet we disrespected so much and have for so long has this year been enough between Covid and it is continuous rampage to our unprecedented heat waves and our fires in another corners of the world floods and all kinds of devastation have we learnt the lessons.

It weighs on me more than most people can begin to understand my connection to it sometimes I don’t even understand but I know I have always been very connected to it I have always had a great deal of respect for it for our forest for a rivers or streams and it’s been very hard this year to see what’s happening to it all and I just don’t know if enough have learnt what they needed too.

Its much the same with the advocating at work with dementia and around dementia it bothers me greatly that for 30+ years people have been advocating and were still talking about the same things, as all those before us, the typical, stigma, language, lack of resources, and the list goes on should advocacy not have moved on to different things by now. Oh yes there is the evolving pieces being advocated for like rehabilitation, better pre and post diagnostic supports, human rights, and more, but why has the messages not been heard, acted on, why is it so hard to get actionable and tangible progress made. It feels like it mostly comes down to it being controlled by the big players and it’s all about money. And just like our basic society and the mess it’s in money and power seem to control if and when the right things will or can be done.
I don’t generally talk politics or religion, but there is so much political unrest in the world as well, again driven by money and power, and even right here at home a Federal Election just weeks away, I have heard people saying they don’t like either leaders of our two main stay parties, so typically we go back and forth electing one then the other, for decades know people unhappy, well I am going to think outside the box and I hope others do as well, this time I’m voting for the third of four parties, I’m going to think and go outside my comfort zone. I think about the saying, and I just heard it again the other night about advocacy work, but it applies here too, and that is “ if nothing changes, nothing changes, or if you keep doing the same thing and keep getting the same results at some point you have to do something different. In this case if we keep going back and forth between the same two parties then we will get the same things, so opting for leaving the comfort zone, voting for a party we’ve never given a chance too, the other two parties have made such a mess of this country over the last number of decades, that putting someone totally different in might shake the others to go back to the drawing board. Voting someone else in at this point in my opinion couldn’t give us any worse, in the short term anyways.

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My mother used to tell me when I was growing up that I was born in the wrong era but I should’ve been born in a different time than I have was in living in a different time than I am and the longer I spend time in this world the more I believe she was right.

It’s quite likely why so much of the time I feel like I don’t fit in because truly I did belong in another time but I’m here and I try to walked along as best I can although that becomes more of a challenge all the time.

I feel and think so deeply and with so such emotion and I see things in different ways than other people and I can’t and don’t understand why that is except it maybe that’s a gift that was given to me, and maybe I shouldn’t question it. I do know that this point in time and with everything sitting so precariously I keep saying that it’s like the whole world is operating on some kind of tilt like it all earth itself shifted on its axis.

Things will be different going forward that I know for sure will they be better I don’t know I only have to believe that they will, too believe that somehow the people on this earth have finally learned that they were given a gift in all the other earth provides us and that if they don’t take care of it they will be the cause of the human extinction, we will cause our own destruction we will cease to exist only because of our own doings we will become our own undoing. So things will be different, better or worse maybe things will ride out being this way for a while. Exactly as we’re living now mostly in isolation also having to distance from others having to spend time and quiet contemplation maybe all these things are meant to have us stay this way until people do get the message until the lessons are learned but whatever and however I just know things will be different in the coming time not this year I don’t think. I’m just riding this year out. I just know things will be different in the coming time not this year I don’t think so I’m just riding this year out. I think things will also be very different for me personally going forward in the coming time and I don’t know if it’s better or worse either, but I do know it will be different . I don’t know what the path is it’s going to be laid out before me but I know there’s going to be a path very different than the one I have currently been on I just have to embrace it and I to trust that as much as I belong in a different era and as much as I was born at the wrong time in the wrong place that I will end up being exactly where I meant to be and maybe there’s a reason why I was born and was placed in this era at this time and maybe this next path will reveal a lot more. I have complete trust in God or the universe or the spirits or the angels or whatever you prefer to call it and I am going to be on the path that I meant to be on I just have to be patient and sit back and wait and it will all be revealed in its time right now it’s just a time of quiet time for me and I’ll just try to make the most of that quiet time.

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Advocates Advocating Christine Thelker © 2020 Dementia Event For This I Am Grateful Living well with Dementia Silver Linings Uncategorized

Christine Thelker’s Memoir of Living with Dementia: For This I am Grateful

Christine Thelker’s memoir, For This I am Grateful Living with Dementia is a first-hand account of her experiences getting a diagnosis and living with dementia
— Read on


Brain Health Awareness Month

I originally wrote this blog back in Sept of last year, but today I am running it again with a new piece added, it is Brain Health Awareness Month. I am acutely aware of this, I am also aware of the importance of looking after my Brain Health. Even though I cannot change my Diagnosis of Vascular Dementia, I can look after it, and look after all the other important aspects of my Brain Health, which include, rest, sleep, relaxation, de-stressing. Being mindful of the importance of finding joy, being playful, being present, being part of nature. Part of that for me means that I have scaled back on some things, doing others differently, exploring some new things, spending a lot more time enjoying the simple pleasures one can find on any given day. One of the other things I have recently come to realize is that although I live with my dementia everyday, there is some days I don’t want to do Dementia, and by that I mean I want my totally free days, that I don’t have to talk about it, I don’t have to work on any aspects of it, I don’t want to even think about it. No its not running away from it, its about allowing oneself the opportunity to just have a day, just a day like anyone else has, put it on the back burner so to speak. To have conversations that are about other aspects of life and living, because yes I am still living, I still have hopes, dreams and desires, and it doesn’t matter that my dementia may in fact rob me of the opportunity to complete much of it, or live much of it, what is important is that I still have those things. I want to sit around the campfire, and reminisce and laugh till it hurts, or maybe cry, but I want to do it all and at times I want to do it all without my Dementia taking the front seat.

That is taking care of my Brain Health, and for each and everyone of us looking after our brain health may look totally different, but looking after it will give us better days, the ability to perhaps enjoy more of those “Free Days”. I hope each of you take the time to take stock of your overall well being beyond just your diagnosis. We always talk about how we are more than our Dementia, but many of us forget to live all the parts and pieces of who we are, so I encourage you all to take a look and remember who you are, what you like and enjoy and remember to live life for all that you are.

Post from last Sept.

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Our dementia is always with us always there, we not only live with it we advocate about it, we work with many groups and organizations trying to make a difference in the lives of others living with it. Those are extremely important things, they provide us with hope and purpose, sometimes others don’t understand how important that is.

While others have careers, clubs and organizations and hobbies that give them purpose, many have family, children and grandchildren, That play an extremely important part in the day to day lives they lead. They happily bring us up to date on all those things, because they are important in their life.

Yet very often they don’t offer us the same consideration, they spend less time with us or none at all, because they don’t want to hear about dementia, yet they are missing understanding the importance of allowing us to update them, can you imagine the reign over horror that would sweep over someone if we stopped seeing them, or limited it because we were tired of hearing about their jobs, their husbands, kids and grandkids, those oh so important pieces of their worlds, can you imagine, we would be thought of as terrible people yet that is exactly what happens to many with dementia.

Wouldn’t it be nice if instead of shunning and not wanting to hear we were given the time and space to update about our dementia that
then allows us time to enjoy life’s moments with our friends or family, camping, walking, enjoying nature, going for a drive, finding joy together in being together, having coffee, having laughter, even having tears at times.

Those are our dementia free times, the updates are done we get to enjoy the moments. Those are the very things we need the most and yet so many end up spending too much time alone, being isolated, not being included because people don’t want to hear or talk about something. You wonder if they are even aware or think about it in the very realistic manner of what they are doing.

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I live for my dementia free ( not free), times, I wonder if it is perhaps partly because a lot of people live at a superficial level, without even knowing it. In fact it is how most people have come to survive and cope, but once diagnosed people living with dementia live their lives looking through a different lens than others, things come into sharp focus. We somehow gain a different perspective and gain a different outlook.

It saddens me greatly in the many discussions around why people become so isolated, and to hear over and over that it’s ok, they’ve become used to it, and yet you can hear the sadness and to me, it most certainly is not ok, and I doubt I will ever truly get used to it, learn to live with it yes, get used to it no.

it is true that people with Dementia become very good at being adaptable at adjusting their lives to manage all the changes they go through, this is one of those pieces that they should not have to and when we start educating everyone and teaching people to look at how and why they are treating someone with dementia in that manner, perhaps it can be one thing that has been an unnecessary hardship to adapt to disappear,

It’s yet another piece where we desperately need to help educate people, not only about dementia but about how perhaps their response to it contributes and does further damage to those already trying to find positive ways to live with a life-altering diagnosis.

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This picture depicts what friendship should look like despite Dementia

The Day After

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Making a big decision, making a decision that for every bit of you that knows it’s the right thing for you to do, yet it still is breaking your heart into a million pieces, but for your own well being you make it.
Knowing that this was not down in anger, or discourse of any kind but done from within a place of self care (and self care is not a selfish act), It was something required mind, body and soul.

I slept for hours, but it was restful sleep, something that hadn’t happened for a long time. The next day, was a very quiet day, in solitude, and then I hit the wall, the wall that makes you cancel everything and you know you can’t even talk to anyone. When you’ve been running with too much stress, often self created because we put so much on ourselves to try to do and manage so much in an attempt to do good things, but we forget ourselves in the equation, and then one day you just have to stop. If we are lucky enough we stop before we are stopped,My health has taken the hit, I can ill afford to push those limits unless I’m willing to sacrifice whatever life I have left. Push myself to another stroke/ heart issues, I am unwilling to sacrifice and jeopardize my already compromised system, I am wanting to have a quality of life for whatever life I have left, that means being honest with oneself even if it means your heart is going to break.

Hitting the wall meant I needed to be away from the computer, the texts, phone, emails all of it. So yesterday was 9.5 hours out in the woods, where cell phones don’t work, where the only sound is that of birds, frogs, leaves, water, 230 kilometres ( or 143 miles) travelled yesterday, hugging trees, chatting with the universe dusty dirty, yes this is restorative, I will rest today and tomorrow I will be doing the same.

You see doing what was right for oneself does not always make it easy or mean that it doesn’t hurt, but it can and should guide you through to healing, so that you can then rebalance and find ways to still do much of what you love just from a different seat. It’s actually good to sit in a different seat at times, changes the view and perspective, actually can keep you from becoming stagnant and ineffective.
I slept a very solid 12 hours last night, feeling like I am taking the right and necessary steps to rejuvenate and heal. Feeling grateful for all those that understood how difficult and heartbreaking my decision was, and for the support. It will help as I move into rebalancing, for it was those very people who I represented sitting in that seat, and they are the very reason that I knew it was time to make room for someone else to sit in it. Selfishly I could have stayed in it, but out of love for all those I was supposed to be representing, I knew it was my time, because being in that chair really had little to do with me, for I was just a vessel for which things would/ could/ should flow. I do truly believe that sometimes a persons best work can be done on the ground floor, so this where I will be for now. It doesn’t mean in time I may not be able to offer to once again take another seat, it just means right know my well being, mind, body and soul, could be the only thing that came into the decision, and thats not an easy thing to do, we try to bargain with ourselves even, but in the end, your body, your heart and soul will guide you, you just have to be willing to take the steps.

I am going to miss much of what I was doing, but I will also enjoy just attending many things without the responsibilities that come with being on a board. My view will be different for sure.

DAI is such a big part of me and it still will be, hopefully always will be, but I need to be as big a part of me as that. I have scaled back some other things I was doing and revamped some other areas, and over the next couple months will focus a lot of time and attention inward and a lot of time and attention of finding my spark, I feel like I have lost my spark, and I will find it again I just have to have the time to do it and the only one who can me permission to put the time and energy into myself is me. This has been a difficult time.

Photo by ud83dudc34chuanyu2015 on

I also had to make the decision to break down and buy some depends briefs, for when I leave the house, not an easy thing to do at this age, but I will settle into it. I decided better to do that than suffer the embarrassment of having a flood while out somewhere. It wouldn’t matter much out in the woods, except that I don’t want to be uncomfortable.Vanity is not something I can afford at this point.

Today is spent quietly at home with my dog, making the preparations for tomorrows day out in nature, there are a lot of preparations, one has to be ready for all things, extra food and water, extra clothing, shoes, first aid supplies, you must always be prepared to survive if you get stuck out in the woods, so know that I am mostly ready, I will just relax, until its time for a nice hot shower before hopefully another restful sleep. And a couple other Photos from the day. Tomorrow will be another day of no cells, no wifi, or internet, Nothing is more needed right now for me.