This is how I have described myself in recent days, I have tried to explain that I am “Life tired”. Sometimes it’s hard to explain, or for someone to understand, too many years of too many traumas and losses, have left me exhausted. The loss of my sister has brought it all to the surface. Yesterday, I spent the day going over the years and realized that it is not a wonder that my health took a hit, I wonder at some moments how or why I am still standing. I won’t go into details about all the losses or traumas associated with them, just that there has been an extraordinary number of them and many consecutively, all of those things I have realized have made me life tired and then this morning I woke up to the picture and piece below, which seems to perfectly describe me in this moment of time. A moment of time that I fully realize will change as life is fluid, ever moving and ever changing even if it seems we are standing still. I am giving myself permission to accept that this is where I am, to do what I need to do to promote my overall well being, in all of that it means if like the other day as I made applesauce, suddenly the tears just started to flow, to just let them. Life is hard and sometimes we keep going because thats what we have to do, but then one day, you are given the time to reflect deeply, come to see things through a different lens, have a deeper understanding. I don’t know the why’s or how’s of what makes some have a life full of trauma’s, while others appear to have a life filled with nothing but glorious moments. I have just learnt to accept that we are all given our life and it plays out as it is meant to, it makes some hard, some greedy, some cold, some with the warmest of hearts, and it doesn’t seem to matter where in it all you are, some who have what it seems is everything are cold, bitter and angry, others who have had nothing but hardship and tragedy are the softest, kindest warm hearted people you could meet. No reason to it it seems, at least not a reason that is easy to understand. So I try not to, I try to accept, I think there is bigger powers at play, so for me accepting, acknowledging helps me continue on, without that I surely would not be standing today. I try each day to be kind and caring, to be non judgemental, because just like me everyone has a story, and what you see in a short interlude with someone, does not give you a true understanding of them or what brings them to be as they are today. I also want to say that for each of us ending up life tired can come from many different things, not just loss and trauma, but even things like our last few years of pandemic, uncertainty everywhere we look, with rising costs, housing, health and many other systems in crisis, global out look that is not pretty these days, crime, on and on it goes, those things can make one “life tired.” It is ok, to admit you are tired, it is ok to slow down, to rest more, it is ok to admit it, we are not meant to just “suck it up” to be ” tough” to ” get over it” we are meant to acknowledge and feel what we feel, so make room for those around you to do that, don’t try to fix it, don’t try to make them feel better, acknowledge and allow them to be where they are and allow them to move through as they need to, help if and when you can, not because you have a never ending need to fix everything and everyone around you. We are all broken in some manner, we have all perhaps allowed society to push us to push through rather than allow ourselves time and space to do what we need as we too. I am sure it is why I am always looking to be in nature, to find the peace that resides there.
So for now for as long as necessary, for as long as I am “life tired”, I will continue doing for myself what I can to honour myself to honour my mind, body and soul. I will remain doing the advocating I do, its been a busy stretch, but a good busy, and last week I was honoured to present at the CCNA’s Science days, along side and with our Canadian Health Minster Jean Yves Duclow and Howard Chertkow Head of the CCNA. I am proud of the work I am doing, I am proud that despite my dementia, I am continuing to do what I can to make a difference. This week sees me heading to Regina tomorrow to take part in AgeWell Conference, then on returning home I will start to ready for my CCNA Conference in November in Toronto. All of these things keep me moving in the forward motion, reminding me that I am still here, still standing, still living. I am so excited to meet so many in the next week that I have only ever met online so to meet in person and have that human connection will I am sure feed my tired heart and soul, and then to look forward to more connections in November, will I hope leave me less life tired as I move into 2023.
I hope you enjoy this piece below, I love following her, I find she really resonates for me. after that I will talk about my other topic today A Call Out.
I’ve tossed and turned in bed for hours, yet still I’m listless for reasons that even I can’t understand.
My body is tired, yes, but it’s so much more than that.
There’s something so much deeper than I don’t think sleep will ever remedy-
Parts of me that are far below the surface cry out for rest and solace…
The restlessness that pervades the darkest parts of my soul has been quietly growing for some time, and now, it occupies my thoughts more than any other.
I’m not unhappy or sad, but there’s just this silent angst that I can’t quite put my finger on…
I don’t know how to ease the stirrings of a spirit that needs to be calmed.
I’ve known for some time that I need more in my life- more of the things that bring me joy and fulfillment and less emptiness from the people and things that don’t move me.
It’s not a simple cure nor an easy fix, but I know that I need to seek the adventures and activities that make me come alive-
My deepest truth is that my passions are painfully dormant, and I need to spark those fires that have been calling out to me for as long as I can remember.
So, as I lie there in the darkness of twilight, my mind races with a thousand thoughts of the things I know I need, the people I need to find and the places I need to go-
Maybe that’s the answer to my listlessness or perhaps it’s just a start.
I can’t honestly say that I know where my path needs to go, only that to stay stagnant any longer will tear me apart.
As I drift peacefully off to sleep, my mind is full of the thoughts of a heart set on fire,
And I feel the faintest smile creep across my face.
Maybe I don’t know where I’m going or even how to get there,
But with love in my heart, fire behind my spirit and hope in my dreams, I know that I’ll end up just where I’m meant to be.
Happiness.
I can’t ask for any more than that.
|ravenwolf
I’ve tossed and turned in bed for hours, yet still I’m listless for reasons that even I can’t understand.
My body is tired, yes, but it’s so much more than that.
There’s something so much deeper than I don’t think sleep will ever remedy-
Parts of me that are far below the surface cry out for rest and solace…
The restlessness that pervades the darkest parts of my soul has been quietly growing for some time, and now, it occupies my thoughts more than any other.
I’m not unhappy or sad, but there’s just this silent angst that I can’t quite put my finger on…
I don’t know how to ease the stirrings of a spirit that needs to be calmed.
I’ve known for some time that I need more in my life- more of the things that bring me joy and fulfillment and less emptiness from the people and things that don’t move me.
It’s not a simple cure nor an easy fix, but I know that I need to seek the adventures and activities that make me come alive-
My deepest truth is that my passions are painfully dormant, and I need to spark those fires that have been calling out to me for as long as I can remember.
So, as I lie there in the darkness of twilight, my mind races with a thousand thoughts of the things I know I need, the people I need to find and the places I need to go-
Maybe that’s the answer to my listlessness or perhaps it’s just a start.
I can’t honestly say that I know where my path needs to go, only that to stay stagnant any longer will tear me apart.
As I drift peacefully off to sleep, my mind is full of the thoughts of a heart set on fire,
And I feel the faintest smile creep across my face.
Maybe I don’t know where I’m going or even how to get there,
But with love in my heart, fire behind my spirit and hope in my dreams, I know that I’ll end up just where I’m meant to be.
Happiness.
I can’t ask for any more than that.
|ravenwolf
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So part two of today’s writing, I have been struggling to write lately, likely because of being life tired, as well as having to really space how much I do and when I do it, overloading a day of too much, means days of doing nothing, my brain, my fatigue hits harder, so adapting and zeroing in on what is important each day and being content if it only is one thing.
Today I want to do a call out to all those living with Dementia, all those loved ones of someone living with Dementia. To get involved, to use your voice, to help get the changes made. We are I believe in unprecetented times, and we are at risk of having the progress that has been made fall to the wayside if we don’t keep at it. I know we are hearing and seeing much about how we need to change what and how we are advocating because years of doing it the same way are not getting the results wanted or soon enough. But if we are to do that then we need others to step out of their comfort zone, step into the world of advocacy, research, as without fresh ideas, and for those of us who have been advocating for an number or years and some for a very long time, to embrace the new ideas, be willing and open to trying new ways, giving room for others to shine, remembering that if they shine if some of the new ideas or ways move things forward, then we all win, it is not about us as individuals it is about the greater good. It does not mean that those before us failed it means they have paved the way, shone the light, been the beacon. There is so much work to do, there is not room for “self ” in it. Except in the sense of self satisfaction to know you are doing something that you can feel good about.
It is vital, that we have fresh perspectives, fresh ideas, for we are all fighting an illness that charts a course of its own, none of us know when it will suddenly take off and we will no longer be able to continue doing what we are doing. Without you stepping up, everything will eventually stop, all the great strides made, all the changes ( even if they seems small or not enough), will be for naught, without you stepping up. You may feel is if you have nothing to contribute, as I once did, sometimes I still feel what I contribute isn’t enough, but I have learnt that whatever I contribute is better than doing nothing. I have also learnt that there is so many great people and opportunities that one doesn’t now exist especially when in the world of Dementia we are all faced with having so much taken from us, that to actually find this place where we are accepted, valued, encouraged and given opportunities to contribute and meet so many fabulous people, that we end up with a life that is vey rich and full and gives us a focus that is beyond, the losses and sadness that prevails in the dementia world. So I encourage you to get involved, don’t sit at home or let your loved one sit at home thinking their life is over. Life has you knew it may be over, but a whole new chapter awaits. Please come help us carry the things forward, we are waiting for you.
And now I must get ready for my Doctors appointment, not sure why he wants to see me, but not surprised either, I am very fortunate that he stays on top of things with me so well. Then home to get packed ready for my trip tomorrow. Hope you all have a great week.
Chrissy's Journey 