Mother’s Day always finds me missing my mom, I miss her everyday, but on Mother’s Day I find myself thinking about how she was the thread of our family, somehow she raised us to all be our own unique people, we are all so very different, but when it came to our mom, there was no difference, we were all devoted to her, we all had unique relationships with her, but she could make us all laugh, so many life lessons, she taught us to be resilient, self reliant, too always help others and to be kind, but don’t be a pushover. I miss watching her face light up when we all showed up for mother’s or any other occasion some occasions just dreamt up so she could enjoy a day with us all. Full of life till her last breath, she had a way of bringing people together, even in her final days. I know she watches over me, I still talk to her, she still guides me, and lately we’ve been in conversation a lot.
I am feeling strangely ungrounded, disconnected, I’ve been on my own for many years know, but never felt alone, not in the sense I do know. I’ve always been very social, always felt like I had my circle, my people. You know the people who become like family, but life changes, life happens, and sometimes those circles, your people, disappear, it can be for many reasons, sometimes, they die, sometimes when you’re life changes, as with living with dementia, and it forces change on you, you no longer fit. It’s no ones fault it just is the reality. But it has until recently just been something I’ve managed through, thankful for those who are still part of my circle, understanding and wanting nothing but the best for those who are no longer in my life. Now feeling that I am in the midst of more change on my horizon, but not wanting to try to control any of it, instead wanting to let it unfold as it’s meant to. I have had to go deep inside myself, thus all the conversations with my mom, and a few others who watch over me, and I converse with all the time.
It’s not that I’m lonely in the sense one would, goodness knows, I have a lot of people I converse with on line, that I work on projects with, I’ve made and I have great friendships all around the globe, so not lonely in the sense you think. I’m lonely on a much deeper and different level, I’m lonely for the connection, with “ your people”, the ones who just get you, the ones you can say let’s take off for the day and know that you’ll have a great time no matter where you end up. We all become part of our own little community of people. There is a lot of reasons things change. I have had do manage through many, some people have the life of staying in one place for most of their life, marriages that go the distance, a few lumps and bumps, but no big curve balls, others of us have had a life that’s like someone keeps throwing another grenade after just cleaned up from the last one.
I feel like life has been fairly quiet and stable for me since my diagnosis, not easy but at least somewhat stable. But my world is changing, making me aware that change is needed and necessary. I know once the pandemic is over I have to find a new community of people, yes the ones that are still here will remain, but I will be required to add to it, find people who enjoy things I enjoy. Life is very different for me know, how I do things and what I do is very different, but I know there are people out there for me. I need to ensure I am socially engaged, the pandemic has made me very aware of that.
I also know that I have to but more focus on doing the things I enjoy and want to do, the struggles and noticeable changes over the last year have also brought that into sharp focus. I can’t give all of myself to everything and everyone else in an effort to make a difference without maintaining and reserving enough to ensure I am having a quality of life.
All of this has been requiring me to have faith that I am being directed in the direction I need to be, to put my focus on.
in all of that I am going to be spending less time on social media, I’ll still be doing my blog, but little else, limiting time on Facebook, Twitter the like. Disconnecting to get reconnected on a more personal level. Social media is great, zoom is great, but I feel like I’m drowning in all of it, it’s taking to much of time away from actually living life. In some ways it has helped keep us connected and engaged while we are all in these lockdowns from covid, but it has also come at a cost in other ways. Know it’s time, as we hopefully will come out of lockdowns as the year progresses to regain a balance. So this weekend I have been mostly disconnected, and spending time walking, and enjoying the scenery, today I went for a drive found a beautiful little spot, that I discovered had a secret staircase down to a wonderful little beach area on Mara Lake. Pheobe has always hated water, but today even she seemed to need to get grounded, getting her feet wet wading in the water without any coaxing, I stood with my bare feet in the sand then waded in and buried my feet and ankles, the water was cold, it was peaceful, serene, no people to worry about. Finding my way through the inner workings of mind,body,soul. I’ve included some pictures for you. Seems dementia or not, life requires us to show up, stand up and take account of what’s working and what’s not, only thing is all of it is much more difficult with dementia in the mix. Good thing we are a courageous lot.
Chrissy's Journey 