I’m not sure if it is the almost two years of the pandemic and the account the effects of adding the unprecedented heat, then never before seen fires, and smoke, which just created more isolation for me. But somewhere in there I became actually aware that I don’t fit in anywhere. It’s a strange feeling, I tried to explain it to my sister, it’s like everyone has their place, like their community of people, be it family or friends, that circle, that place that feels like home, like you are part of it and the people within and vice versa. I wonder where I am supposed to be where is home for me? I’m searching for that place, I’m searching for that community or my people. Who are they, where is that.Maybe I’m a modern day hobo, who doesn’t have a place, that wherever they are is it, but they drift and never really have that sense of community which is often our friends and family, the greater community we live in. Somehow maybe due to the pandemic, maybe this is one of the effects surfacing from ongoing isolation, I now and for a while now feel like a misfit, like I don’t fit anywhere. Like I can’t or don’t relate or fit in most situations. It is if I’m honest somewhat frightening of a place to be, but as always I’m trying to find the joy in it. Trying to look at the freedom it gives me to go out, one we are thru all that is happening with the pandemic and fires etc, to explore different groups, clubs, organizations, until I find my place, my people. I’m adrift without my people. I used to have a great social network, I don’t have any now. The world seems like a very strange place to me. I’m sure much of what I’m feeling will end up leading me to people who I will fit with, in a place that will be good for me heart and soul, or perhaps I just have to embrace the gypsy in me and just be free.
I am also much more emotional about things and things effect me on a much deeper level, whether it’s things like how the fires are effecting my beloved forests and animals, or the impacts on those I care about, so I feel things on a much deeper level.
I am not sure if it’s the isolation or changes in my dementia or perhaps a combination of the two. I just know that I am in a place I never saw myself in, trying to manage through it all, at times feeling like I’m just tired of trying to manage everything alone, but somehow I do.
At the moment I’m telling myself all I have to do is get through today, that’s what I focus on, I have decided I will not be putting pressure on myself to do or make decisions regarding anything until I get through 2021, whether on a personal level, living arrangements, my advocacy work, I will only be doing what I feel I can manage, when I feel I can.
yesterday was a very productive day for me and it felt good, packing more of the things I want to have ready to go should need be, my essentials I already have in my vehicle, but have some other things ready as well. I may not need them, but we are sitting in the midst of a melting pot at the moment, so a lot of unknowns in a situation that keeps changing moment by moment it seems. I then took all my plants off my deck, they had a rough go with the heat but I had just brought them back to be looking pretty good, but had to remove them from my deck, because if we get evacuated they would become a fire hazard with ash and embers falling, so sadly they are gone, but before I did a had a visit from a butterfly got some lovely photos, they like zinnias, I cried watching it, talked softly to it, and when it was done I carried on dismantling my pretty little deck. Hauled it all too the dump, I have done my part. I spent two hours at the hospital, while they tried to do tests that my specialist wanted on my lungs, but they were not able to complete because the equipment would not calibrate properly, they said the poor air quality in the hospital because of the fires were interfering with the calibration of the equipment. The tests are rescheduled for Sept. Thursday I am going to the coast to say my goodbyes to my sister in law, we have had a lovely and close relationship and Although the trip will be a long day for me, especially since driving will mean detours, alternate highways and possible reroutes due to the fires and as it will be an emotional it will be good to be able to give her one last hug.
This year has been one that is still unfolding, and seen many changes for me, as for many others, I am hoping that my people, my place is revealed. Until then self care, extra rest. We still have 3.5 months of 2021 to get through, I am making my way through it one day at a time.