This morning it’s raining, something to celebrate, hopefully it will rain for days, we need a week of steady rain, although they are cautioning that if it’s not enough rain and the lighting slated to come with it could actually worsen things…. and you wonder how much worse can they get, yet you know they can always get worse….we are surrounded by out of control fires, the covid 19 is again hitting us hard in this region, more restrictions for us, hospitals are in code orange and struggling to manage, And a Federal Election, its too much for most to manage, its overload on our body systems. People are tired, stressed, scared, and their health is being effected. I think the long term effects are going to be more than people think.
For me I am emotionally drained, while trying to manage the further lockdowns and shut in living, due to the smoke living in darkness most of the time, and now having to say my goodbyes to my sister in law, which fills me with sadness. The steps that had to be taken to be allowed in to see her and say my goodbyes, was more steps and checks due to covid, and it was confusing, not set up to be easy for people that may be older or have any sort of difficulties. Nonetheless I could not imagine not being able to see her. I can’t imagine the difficulties for all over this last 18 months who couldn’t say goodby to loved ones, so I am grateful that I was able to make the trip on Thursday.
It has been a difficult number of months, trying to focus mostly impossible. My advocating work slowed to a crawl, with the added pressure of beating myself up for not doing as much as I normally do or contributing in the ways I normally do. Admitting that we are again having to admit that once we what we were managing to do and maintain we no longer can. It’s just another of the ever changing and challenging aspects of living with Dementia, but at least now even though its difficult to admit to and even though I end up feeling bad, like I’m letting people down, I do realize that I must ensure my own well being, or taking time away to focus on my well being will not be a temporary thing it will become permanent. The rain has already stopped.
I have booked three days in a small cabin on the waters edge in the northern part of the province for three days at the end of this month, sometimes it can’t be about $$$ all the time, sometimes ones will being trumps the money aspects, the well I shouldn’t really spend the money, I can’t really afford to spend the money, sometimes ones well being trumps all so for me to get out of the smoke, to hopefully enjoy some sunshine, I will likely have to up my vitamin D intake this winter as I definitely did not get adequate sunshine this summer. It will be money well spent and so much more affordable than I could have hoped for at $ 80. per night, I think its a steal, and the best part my little Pheobe gets to go with me, she needs a change of scenery too.
I have and will be focusing on getting through the rest of this year, it’s been such a hard one. So hard actually that I was actually mad at my husband for leaving me to have to manage through life and especially these events like the smoke, heat, fires, pandemic alone. I wasn’t angry for long, more sad knowing that having him here would make life so much better. it does at times make me think about how extremely tired I am from trying to do life alone, and the isolation of the pandemic and then the heat, smoke and fires and now more isolation due to the resurgence of the pandemic has brought it into sharp focus. If you have beloved, cherish them, life is stopped short far to often and having to go it alone, might look great from the other side, but its not, all those insignificant things that we fret over, fight and argue over, we would give anything to be able to still do, so hug your loved one, you never know if today is the day your world gets turned upside down.
I was talking to a friend yesterday who called from the USA, and I treasure our friendship, and we talked about how sometimes we think we just want to fade into the background, not be tied to zooms, meetings, to agendas and just start living our life as our doctors encourage us to do. It’s not that we don’t love our advocacy work, working with various groups and organizations, but sometimes it takes so much of our time we forget to live today, in the present. We forget to go out and do the things we truly enjoy. When is it time to do that? Its a hard thing, we truly love what we do, we love all the people we are connected to, but when you are tied to your computer all the time it takes away from living in the moment. However I believe I have always tried hard to maintain that balance, and get out for my walks, and into nature as much as possible however the circumstance here have stopped me from doing any of those things, and thats what has contributed to my being emotionally drained. So I am focusing solely on getting to the end of 2021, alive and as intact as I can, emotionally, mentally, physically.
I don’t know what comes next, or to what degree, I can only get through one day at a time. Life will not go back to what it was two years ago, something different will unfold, I will embrace it and walk it whatever that path may be.