Trying to Find the Answers

So On Wednesday I had a conversation with My Doctor, we were supposed to be seeing each other, but his staff were all sick so he had to close their offices. During that call he let me know Moderna had been in touch with him, and he would be doing a report for them regarding the events that have so drastically changed my overall being.

Today I saw him in person, he had a stack of papers from Moderna, there is a lot of paperwork to be done, he ordered bloodwork, for comparisons, he will be working with my specialist to get all this done. We had a good conversation about how there is more questions than answers even for him, so much to be learnt.

He understands how difficult this is for me to navigate such an enormous change so quickly., and yes even a good change can be overwhelming and stressful. He also understands how I am having trouble settling with it, when we don’t know if it will be a forever change or if it’s going to just be something that lasts a period of time. It’s a confusing time for me, and I am struggling trying to balance it each day. I feel emotionally fragile, but healthier and stronger than I have for years. Trying to make the most of each day. There are certain groups and people I will share with, but it also causes a lot of anxiety and difficulty. When there is so much division and controversy around something it makes you afraid to talk about it and yet talking about it is the one thing you need to do to help navigate it. One part of you wants to skip down the street, yell from the roof tops, the other is leary because of all the attacks that happen in these situations.

We have to keep working to find answers, will we ever fully understand what and how this vaccine identified something in my body and changed how my body is able to respond to it? Will the missing pieces be revealed? I am willing to work with them and Moderna for answers. All the while walking on glass, scared it will shatter under me. But if I and others are the key to things that could really impact a lot of people then I need to. This is how many things were forever changed in the past, polio, mumps, measles, rheumatic fever, the list goes on, people have to be willing.

I have and am being careful not to overload my plate right now, not because I don’t have the energy, but because emotionally, I need to take care of myself right now. This is a lot to manage.

I don’t want to fuel the fire, I don’t want to fight with people over whether they should get vaccinated or not. I have been respectful of peoples choices, but today I was upset and angry to learn of the threats and the awful things my doctor has had to deal with over this. This is why navigating something that is good from vaccines that has happened to me is such a fragile thing to be open about, something that I should be able to have people be excited for, I have to fear them instead. For me if you don’t want to get vaccinated then don’t, but then don’t go to the doctors or the hospitals for treatments of any kind, because everything they do is based on science. You can’t have it both ways, if you don’t believe then fine, but don’t beat up the people who do. Go about your business, let them and us go about ours. We and they did not create this situation, it is a pandemic, learn and look at your history. But don’t beat up those who are trying their very best to help people, and who have been not only through the pandemic, but through every day before and will long after. People are too much wanting to make this a political issue and issue about everything and anything they can, it is not is about a pandemic. I am so terribly upset by this, for this doctor, may not be everyones cup of tea, he may not be the right doctor for many, but for those that chose him, he goes above and beyond over and over. He most certainly does not deserve to be abused by people because he is doing what he does, being a doctor. Let’s not forget, they are doctors, not miracle workers, but they are there when we need them. Even though they don’t have all the answers for me they are just as much wanting to find them as I do. I am grateful everyday for my team of doctors for without them I would not be alive today, and now I have a vaccine to thank for giving me more time, a vaccine that was not created to give that to me, but I hope and pray that perhaps it will help bring about new advances that can help many in ways unexpected.