I woke up this morning feeling bright, alert, no brain fog, I had my coffee, turned my music on and danced around the house for forty five minutes. I love having the energy, no pain, no fatigue, dancing is fun, feels good, makes me happy, and is great exercise, so Ive made it my morning routine. My little dog Pheobe slept till 1030, so I had ample time to get the floors washed, tidy up, laundry that sort of regular kinda stuff.
But there is this other piece, its sad, its hard to explain, Kate Swaffer recently wrote in her blog, about grief, and its somehow familiar, or perhaps similar to how I feel, but I shouldn’t be, I should be jubilant, and how is it I can be so damned happy and excited and so sad at the same time. So happy that Im feeling better than I have in ten years, terrified it will all slip away, its so confusing. The sadness comes in because, I no longer understand who I am, this change came so suddenly so unexpectedly, turned me upside down, inside out. I’ve lost my footing, much like when I was first diagnosed, and it took a long time to work through it all and find myself, because I wasn’t the same person as before I was diagnosed, and know I feel like thats where I am again, unsure of my place, of who I am, of what it means. I’m finding It necessary to limit my social media time, I’m attending things as I can, sometimes not knowing until the actual moment whether I can. So today I decided to shut the world out, I started making a new vision board, I finished a bird house I have been working on. I have moments of feeling guilty, that I should be doing more, but I understand things differently than I did before I was diagnosed. Working through the ups and downs of being diagnosed, I know will help me navigate this, its different but I still now I need to allow myself the time to move through it.
Living with Dementia has taught me to be adaptable, resilient, creative, it appears all those lessons are and will come in handy as I navigate some very unknown waters. I am fortunate that I have great doctors working along side me, bumpy roads at present, but I’ll get there.