The week has flown by, I am feeling like I haven’t in years if ever, however in the last two days I have noticed that I have a couple little things that today will warrant a call to my doctors, I think that with all the changes that have transpired, my medications may need adjusting or stopped.
I didn’t sleep much last night, my brain was running videos all night, my life replaying, its funny for so many years now Ive had all these blank spots, unable to recall much of my life, and it was like in an all the blanks got filled in, It somehow was freeing. just like my body feels like its resetting itself, so too is my brain. It all feels and sounds crazy and I’m having trouble articulating it, but my body feels so very different and foreign to me. I am slowly learning to trust it, its odd when for so long its been failing me, its know providing me with so much. I am trying very hard to not take ot for granted to be kind to it, to feed it, rest it, offer it kindness.
We spend so much of our lives pushing our bodies, our minds, demanding more and more from it and then when it breaks we are angry, disappointed, sad. I know my illness will always be with me, I never thought I’d see anything more than decline, all the underlying complications effected the dementia in ways that I don’t really think I gave enough thought to. Seeing how this Moderna vaccine has changed my immune system, and how it works in and with my system, how much of those underlying complications, with blood flow, inflammation, fatigue, pain, the true impact of those things on my dementia. We often talk about how managing the symptoms, about how looking for a cure is the wrong approach, I am convinced dealing with all these other things is the key. I have no idea idea if this gift I’ve been handed will last, but I do know I will do all I can to honour this vessel that houses me. I will offer it better nutrition, rest, and kindness, I will keep moving, giving it the best possible chance. It doesn’t mean I will be perfect, it means I will be mindful.
I am once again finding myself searching for who I am, this event has changed me on many levels, just like my dementia diagnosis changed me. Funny we acknowledge how trauma effects and changes us, but traumas don’t always have to be bad, which in this case it is the complete opposite of bad, but it still impacts, it still changes us.
I am going to starting to take part in a 12 week program, through the university of Waterloo, it will be a exercise/ nutrition program for people with dementia, I will take the program and provide feedback. I am also finally doing my first presentation/ speech in my local area, its been a lot of work, and time to break through, but its important to me. Continued work with the CCNA, and others, but I will be doing all in ways I feel I can manage. I feel somehow stronger than I have for a very long time but yet very fragile at the same time. Maybe feeling fragile comes because the very things that are causing so much discord in our country is the very thing that has actually provided me with ability to have a quality of life to be able to try to do things I’ve always wanted, which two months ago were slipping farther away day by day. Its a strangely odd place to sit.