Heading off to bed last night to watch a little tv, I then spend the rest of the evening and late into the night on how to deal with my dilemma on how to deal with springing the clock forward. Back and forth, if I turn the clocks to soon, it will mess up my nightly routines, if I don’t change them until morning, I will spend half the day trying to orientate to the new time. I could not figure out how to navigate it all, it created too much stress, then in the midst of that I looked at an email that was telling me about something about March 24/25, I thought why on earth are they reminding me of stuff thats more than a month away. This morning I realize it is actually March already, more stress, I have a presentation to be ready for on April 12th, I thought I still had lots of time. Ugh time.
More stress trying to figure out if I should put myself through the stress of trying to figure out how to change my clocks, doing those types of chores for lack of being able to find the right word, is so stressful, frustrating, and causes anxiety, each one is different, so doing it in the evening not a good idea my brain does not function as well in evening, but leaving it till morning could mean starting my day adding stress to my brain, but perhaps because thats when my brain is sharpest I will have the best chance of success, and I do try to do things in ways that set me up for success. So no workable solution, so hours spent and in the end I did nothing but be stressed and angry that no one seems to give any thought to the unnecessary stress and strive that is placed on people with something that seems so unimportant. These are the seemingly small things that for someone with dementia or other cognitive issues face.
So this morning after a very long night, it is now 11:20 am, even though its actually only 10:20, I have a headache, likely from the stress of trying to navigate this time change. I have cleaned out all my dresser drawers, got a bag of things ready to take to the homeless shelter. I give them anything I feel I have too much of, even though too some I don’t have much anymore, I have enough, and to keep extra’s when others are in such need seems senseless at this stage, and giving feels good. “Less is more” has become very much an important piece of life for me, I don’t want to have clutter, I don’t like to have to much stuff around, it seems to clutter my mind somehow.
Also in the wee hours of the morning, with all my struggles to sleep last night, my brain somehow took me back to my last number of years working, I can’t put a number on it exactly, but last night it somehow came through that signs of what was coming, ( strokes, TIA’s then the Vascular Dementia Diagnosis), that there were very clear signs for a long time, but of course know one could have understood and I most certainly didn’t, for example as the years evolved, I started to have to spend my lunch and coffee breaks alone, in a quiet corner somewhere, I think it might have appeared I was anti social, or a snob or who knows what else, I always likened it to the fact that I needed the quiet to recharge, because I gave so much of myself to the people we were charged to care for.
Looking back I can see it was a clear sign of my dementia, that I still require a lot of quiet time, loud places and spaces are very difficult for me. My sometimes miss reading and miss understanding what others were saying or doing also a sign of the yet unknown monster of dementia that was looming. Not all things of course fall into that, there were many things and times that I was functioning well and fully understood, the problem is you don’t always and aren’t always clear enough to know when it has changed, and it can change daily.
Making some bad decisions, bad judgements that I may have not otherwise made, had the diagnosis already been made. They are what they are, if any of those judgements or misunderstandings hurt anyone, they were never meant to. Unfortunately, if you don’t and aren’t aware of whats really going on, and you can’t see it because of what your brain is doing, it makes it very difficult, because people around you can’t not take things personally, where if they understood, its your brain, you say things, you do things, in ways you don’t even now you are doing or saying, then if they had a good understanding that its an illness doing it, perhaps they would have an easier understanding and not take things personally.
Maybe thats why forgiveness is a big thing for me, offering people a little grace, because perhaps we don’t and can’t fully understand whats happening for them, because they may not actually either. Ahh Dementia, it is a strange beast, I truly have a love hate relationship with it.
I am in a jumbled state of mind today, thoughts coming and going, tired, its time to take myself for a walk and give my brain some fresh air and listen to the sounds of nature. I hope if you live somewhere that you have to navigate this time change that you give yourself a little grace and also all those around you.