Last night and the night before I had vivid dreams, in part in those dreams I watched myself write this blog , it was so vivid, on waking I wasn’t actually sure if somehow I had gotten up and actually wrote it, so had to check, but no I had only written it in my dream. So at 430 am I opened all my windows to hear the birds as they woke, made coffee and started to actually write this. By 6 am, my body was behaving strangely, I decided to lay down for a bit, but all day I have felt off, like my brain was turned off but my body was still moving along, a total disconnect. Not an out of body experience but an out of brain experience, that I truly have no idea how to explain it that it would or could make sense.
Any ways that isn’t what I started to write about but somehow where we ended up. What I was doing/ thinking in my sleep was about this week for me, tomorrow is my anniversary, June 7th, and even though I am a widow I still honour my anniversary.. My love for my husband has not lessened, I miss him, I miss his hand in mine, I miss our early morning coffees, and his kiss as he went out the door to work. I miss his presence, I miss that he was the one person who truly understood me, he choose to love me and he loved me completely. even though he has been gone a long time know, (2005), and that date comes at the end of the week June 12, and in between June 9th, is the day I lost my mom two years after my husband. She was and is my greatest inspiration. I loved her zest for life, I loved how she loved to laugh, I loved her gift of helping others. So maybe thats why my brain is disconnected today.
My thoughts around all this, is that still when someone loses someone we tell them, “time will heal”, it will get better and all kinds of other things. I guess on some level some of it may be true, but the reality is your heart breaks in ways that words don’t do justice, the fact is we learn to live with our broken hearts, we learn to rebuild and reinvent our life, nothing fills the gaps of the broken pieces. New things may come along and take up other space in our hearts and lives, they may be great, and we may be happy, but there will always be moments, or days, or something that will trigger, the memories, the missing of that missing person.
It feels good to carry that love with me, to honour and cherish them, I feel so full of gratitude that I got to share life with them. This isn’t a sad week for me, oh there always ends up being a tear or two, but more its a week full of emotions, memories a time to embrace all that was.
The saddest thing for me would or maybe will be if the time comes when I don’t have those memories, although I know I will still have the feelings of them, for now I will embrace this week.
Its funny every year I thought maybe this year it wont be this way at this time. Maybe this year I will just go through the week, without the dreams, the memories sneaking in, but I am actually glad when that doesn’t happen, I am happy to get another year to remember how good it felt to be so loved.
I am not sure any of this is what i started to write about at 430 this morning, but tonight at 830 thats where i am.