Cha Cha Changes

Today I spent the day in the hospital, sent directly from the clinic, the ER expecting me, no waiting, ecg,s, blood work, imaging, and monitoring, Always the conversations around the complexity of my being. I must say that while they are having shortages, while you can feel the pressure cooker of the health care system, I was treated with kindness, caring, apologies for having to endure a system unable to provide adequate help, I did not feel that I received inadequate care. I felt as though everyone was doing all they could while taxed beyond measure.
I also had the opportunity to meet a nursing student, who in is final year, decided to take an opportunity to work for the summer, here learning the lab techs job, unfortunately for him, with my vascular system being what it is, given that there is a shortage of the small butterfly needles normally used to draw my blood, trying to find a vein was his first challenge, he called his senior person who was with him teaching for assistance, eventually after much coaxing a vein showed them where it was hiding, then trying to get it to give enough blood, anyways he was quite concerned, that he had caused me pain and distress, I reassured him he was just fine and thanked him for all he was doing to try to help . The challenge of getting things done with me stuck with him and later he came by to check on me as he went on break. We had a nice chat, he will do well as a nurse. so shortages are real, whether supplies or people, the shortages are very real. My doctors will decide next steps,. It hasn’t been easy accepting that issues that saw me in such bad condition last year are returning, but I am accepting of it, and remaining hopeful its a glitch. One thing I do know is that I try really hard to not end up in the hospital, but respecting doctors opinions, understanding they aren’t sending you there without great concern, I can’t expect them to give me the best of themselves if I am not willing to help them to that end, and I get the chance to keep going a wee bit longer. I feel changes, I adapt as I need too. I don’t take chances, when I need to I get the help and support from my doctors, taking chances, being stubborn, waiting to long, can cause me to hit a rapid decline, or causing much damage.

On the other side of thing, I will be doing a video recording, for my file and for my doctor who will have it so there can never be questions about my wishes. I want the maid program, I want everything put in place know so when the time comes, its easy. I know not everyone agrees with it, I don’t want to ever have to go into care, when I reach that stage, i want it to be the end. My choice, to go quietly, peacefully, better for me, better for the system, better for those that otherwise have to do all the work around keeping me in care, where I will be subjected to a life I have no interest in participating in. Dying with dignity is much more preferable. Its conversations I think and wish more people were comfortable with, death and dying, such a big part of life and living, yet one so many cower away from. So many people think well i know it will happen one day, and I have a will, and they think thats enough, but that is such a small part of it.
Its all the things that rattle around. I am resting, I am grateful,