A Day filled With Tears

This has been a strange time for me, I have been blessed lately by having people I have not seen for some time, pop in for a few or days or just a few hours. They are all cherished, I don’t entertain or do the things I once did, the many changes my dementia has brought about becomes more evident all the time, even those who see me a little more frequently see it more now, it has changed me, changed my abilities. My routines have become important. All of this is ok, this is life with Dementia.

Last night I had such vivid dreams, dreams about so many who are no longer with me, about my life with them. I woke to a tear soaked pillow, and a the puffy eyes that tell the story. I was relieved that I was not expecting to see anyone today. I spend a quiet morning, a lot of tears flowed and in the midst of tears flowing, I managed to put together a batch of muffins, rhubarb muffins as I thought about my friend Roger, I would never admit his Rhubarb Cake he used to make me, so I made Rhubarb Muffins, it was good to do.

Somehow the day flowed from there to making my mom’s and grandma’s German Red Cabbage, a roast cooked, wow a lot of tears flowed, I talked to them all, my husband, my mom, my sister, friends, and as I was working in the kitchen and then cleaning house, tears in free flow, I realized that I have actually and am actually finally taking the time and that my body is finally releasing years of grief, grief that I have kept inside, oh I grieved, but not fully, there was always responsibility that had to come first, so you just dig down, keep going and going. It makes me think about how all that accumulation of not taking or being able to take the time to properly grieve, likely had a lot to do with my accumulation of health issues resulting in where I am today, living with vascular dementia and all the other complicated issues with my health.

After I had cried myself out or at least for today, and the house was sparkling and dinner for the next few days ready, I headed out, I needed to walk, be alone with my thoughts, its been a busy busy stretch, more business coming so taking the day for me was important.

When I left home, it was windy and something between hail and snow, but the air felt good. Once I headed home from downtown, with my bag of frozen fruit, ( I eat two cps of berries every night Blueberries, blackberries, and Raspberries), Good for my brain, and I run out and didn’t have any yesterday and although I did go out to get some, I couldn’t find any, so today I went in search again because I really missed having them last night. I can’t imagine having to live in some kind of care place, because those kinds of things that are so important to someone they never get. Anyways, thats a whole other topic. I found a big enough bag to get me through a few days, hopefully by then my usual place will have a new supply in. Sorry for rambling, lost my focus, back to the day, after putting my berries in the freezer out the door I went for a longer walk in the other direction. This time the sun was out, it was actually quite warm, so I strolled, looking at all the fallen leaves and the beauty they hold. It was a long walk and by the time I had looped around to come back home, you could see the storm clouds moving in, and the temperature changed. Thankfully I made it before the snow started to come down.

Happily snuggled up with my little dog, I decided I better write this because with this heavy snow falling ending up without power is quite possible.

I consider myself lucky as far as my dementia goes, I have with a lot of hard work on my end and that of my medical team, have had it get worse in manageable steps. I am aware that may not always be the case. But doing things like finally allowing myself to let years of grieve surface and not stuff it down inside, will likely help. We are taught to suck it up and get up and keep going and often we pay for it in ways we could not see coming. I am actually ok, just acknowledging and accepting. where and what I am managing right now. Please take care of your whole self, don’t try to tough things out. Surround yourself with people who will give you the support and space and time to move thorough life’s events in ways that work for you.