Fading away is how I described how I am feeling about myself at this time. Like I am disappearing, both physically and cognitively, like my person, whole body and mind are shrinking and disappearing. I never like this before since my diagnosis. I have felt the changes, felt myself becoming someone different, somehow different than what and who I was, but I never actually felt like I was disappearing, but I feel it now, it doesn’t feel bad but it means I am moving into a place where I must spend the time putting finishing touches on my future plans, especially given that I want to leave this world without ever having to go into care.
The above paragragh was written yesterday or perhaps the day before, today is another day another indication of changes happening. I have had events in the past where it has caused significant damage and I have suffered concussions along with many bumps and bruises, without having any recollection of how or what happened. Those events are frightening, not during because I don’t know they are happening or even what happens, and living alone, no one knows. but the evidence that something has happened is clear. Today, was another day of evidence of something happening sometime between late yesterday afternoon and my waking and getting up at 4 am. I new I didn’t and don’t feel right, but I stumbled about the morning as best I could until I wandered to my hair appointment and my hairdresser bless her heart, new I wasn’t right and then discovered the big lump and injured area at the back of my head/neck, she wondered if I had had bad fall and injured my head/neck area, but nope I am not aware of anything other than I thought maybe I had slept wrong because its quite painful. My head and vision is not right today, my left side of my face is numb again, off to the doctors and going back again at 430, also my face once again has a red rash, and I have no memory of what has happened. Likely a TIA, but the doctor will decide what and if anything else needs to be looked at, if another TIA, well I just live with them as part of my vascular Dementia and it will settle out until next time. Although because I am leaving soon for the convention in Toronto, it means ensuring the doctor and I cover our basis so that I can hopefully still manage a good trip.
Normally, it doesn’t bother me but for some reason this time it is, at least, in the respect that I don’t remember what happens, I wish I knew what happens to me. Forgetting things as fast as I do them is one thing but actually having events that do damage physically, with no recollection is different. I can’t explain it, at least not in a way that would likely make any sense. Maybe its because my greatest fear is to have something happen that leaves me incapacitated enough to need some kind of care, but not enough to just have life end. I do think thats why it bothers me so much, the unknowing, the inability to manage it. I have worked so hard to maintain as well as I have but these reminders are frightening.
Back to my original start of this post, fading away, or disappearing,, feeling suddenly small in the world, feeling inadequate in many ways. Doesn’t matter how much I do, I look around and I see people who don’t seem to be disappearing, so I am sure it is all to do with my dementia journey, it’s another piece of this ever changing landscape within my world of dementia.
One reply on “Fading Away”
Hi Christine- I’m sorry to hear you are feeling diminished and perhaps afraid. I know you as strong and resilient and want to reflect that back to you. Thinking of you and sending hope for better days ahead. 😊