Ok so yesterday, a good laugh, so many times lately I have almost missed important events and presentations and meetings, and when among very patient people, who have helped me locate my notes for a presentation that my brain totally would not remember how to find, to ending up at the wrong place or the right place on the wrong day or time. Yesterday I had to attend a meeting which looking at the invite, I had no idea why or what I was supposed to be there for…. My brain is completely tossing things aside or out or filing them into the deeper recesses, where it may have locked access to me, luckily reminders from those there, of whom they were, referencing where I knew them from and what we were meeting for, I’ve been working with them for over two years on this project… we all had to laugh, me especially.
In an earlier meeting Ellen, (a true doll), who helps me do much talked about how this is happening so much lately. I can’t find a reason, I said I don’t know what’s wrong with me, more laughter, as I realized what I had just said followed with that’s ridiculous of course I know what’s wrong with me, it could be that it has something to do with the fact that so have Dementia….OMG…at least this disease affords me much laughter, because there is no point crying.
So what might be happening, just the dementia. Or my brain being tired and being zoomed out. In all likely hood, a combination and this brain 🧠 can only manage so much before it starts tossing stuff or filing it and sometimes it locks those filing cabinets only to open them down the road at some unexpected time. It can and does create chaos, it could create a lot of anxiety and stress if I worried about all the missteps it creates in my days. But instead I chose laughter, I don’t worry if I miss anything, it used to upset me terribly if I missed or was late, it no longer worries me, instead I feel like what’s wrong I manage to still do is good, if I miss something I will get caught up.
I also feel many many people whether with dementia or not are zoomed out, meeting out, and technology may have saved many of us during the pandemic but it is tiring, it creates another level of stress for us and our brains. There is some good articles on some of the things, like how our brains have to work harder to try to make and understand one’s body language. The back to back meetings and lack of true connection, it is connecting us but it does not feed our bodies what and brains need from the face to face connections. My fear with all of it is $$$$, profits etc will be the driving force to keep people zooming and not putting up the funds for all those face to face get togethers of the bygone days, and by that I mean prior to the pandemic. maybe we don’t need to be meeting face to face all the time, but perhaps for those working everyday, once a month, would suffice, for others like myself, meeting once to three times a year may be enough, but without those connections that are made, without that face to face interactions, I think the price paid will be in how our brains respond to the continual on line work. Time will tell.
The other part of me is wondering if it is just that it is time for me to simply put in more time to playing. Enjoying living, not that meetings aren’t good, not that advocating and research work isn’t great, it is and it provides purpose, but maybe this is my brains way of helping me balance it. Maybe walking away more often from the screen time on phones, i-pads, computers and remembering to live and breathe and play is equally or maybe even more important. Being fully alive, we often talk about living in the moment, but are we if we are always tied to a device. I don’t think thats how we were designed, at least I know I wasn’t. Playing at things that make me feel good, make me happy, make me feel at peace, that seems to be what I need right now. Perhaps there is many who need that, maybe I am fortunate that this ill working brain, gifts me with helping ensure these things happen, by tossing out what I may otherwise deem important. Somehow together this brain and I will continue to manage to do what I hope to do, it just may not look like the path most would take.
I have also been going through a lot of emotional ups and downs, a lot of things in the world to do that to us, again, it shouldn’t just be chocked up to being part of the dementia, it should also not automatically be chalked up to being depression, it is in fact normal reaction to very abnormal times. Innocent children and people being gunned down, war, along with the regular life stuff of family and friends, that can have an emotional impact. I, as well have the week of June the 5th through the 13th which always no matter how much I say it won’t, hits me like a freight train, too many emotional events all within a week, it never seems to get easier to navigate, it has however become easier to recognize and to just allow it to be a time to be whatever it needs to be. I am happy and content for the most part but I would say I was being remiss if I didn’t say that I do have those days and moments, where tears overtake me without warning, honouring the sensitive part of my being, dementia doesn’t change that, if anything I am more aware and feel more deeply. I write about these things because all to often everything about us is attributed to our diagnosis, when in fact much is and should be attributed to the fact that we are still alive so life will still effect us directly or indirectly. Sometimes I am not sure myself which it is, but by acknowledging how things are effecting me, how I am feeling and managing can go along way it having better days.
So I will just be at this time, however it looks each day, and I will laugh at the blunders, enjoy the moments of clarity, be grateful for all that is and pray for better more peaceful times for everyone.
The pictures are from yesterdays, stroll, these three were teasing me, posing and generally having fun, making the walk all the more enjoyable. Yes its the little things.