Yup this is me today, in a funk, I woke this morning with questions going through my head, what am I waiting for? time is running out? What is stopping me from living where I want ? Doing what I want? I why do I always feel like I have to stay put? My head and my heart are in conflict. I am upended, ungrounded, although if I am totally honest I have not been grounded since my husband passed away in 2005, thats a long time to be ungrounded, or semi grounded, life happened, other things required my time and attention.
Suddenly with my dementia symptoms kicking up, with the loss of my sister, it’s like my system wants me to finally just do what is good for my soul. There is the piece of me that wants to be logical, just wait…but then wait…wait for what….no cure, no one coming to rescue me or look after me. Sometimes I worry that if I do what I want to do, then it will appear because of my dementia that I am making bad choices, so instead I sit here not making any…in other words, existing but not really living. I am not sad, well yes sad at the recent loss of my sister, but overall not sad, not unhappy, just don’t feel like I am really alive, nothing is appealing or exciting….except the one continuous thought…I need to live near the ocean. Whats stopping me? Fear, fear of what? Why? I have never let fear or anything else stop me in the past, is it because I am so careful maybe to careful because of my dementia? I think that plays a bigger role than I thought. Maybe the trying to figure out all the pieces required to make a move like that? In the past I could manage those things without a thought, but I no longer can so I know there would have to be a lot of planning. Do I go for six months and to a trial first? I have many things floating around. but one thing I do know is that I have to do something or my dementia will take over just sitting here, with nothing or no one to help me stay stimulated about being on planet earth. No sure if this will get published this is one of those blogs that feel almost too honest, likely more than most want to hear, or maybe even admit to themselves, guess when I get to the end I will now.
Other things that keep going through my head, it feels like meeting after meeting lately, the dementia world, the advocacy work, the landscape is changing, It’s almost like people with dementia are getting tired of talking about their dementia and that everyone else is tired of hearing about it, all the while little to no actionable change has happened. How did we get here? Where do we go from here, to ensure real difference is made for the lives of people living with Dementia, do we need a whole different approach? How do we let people living with no that they still have value and much to contribute when the world around them tells them and shows them something opposite? Everything we try to do comes down to $$$, when will life be about more than money? When will we finally realize there is no price tag on a human life?
I am doing brain training exercises, maybe too many of them, every day, because I don’t like that my spelling and language skills are failing me so much., I have an exercise routine, I do and have learnt new mediation routines, as well as dance routine, making healthy healthy meals for myself, mostly planted based. Once the heat is over, I will be able to maybe ride my bike and do more walking. I miss being able to explore, it brought me great joy and much peace and contentment. It was something that happened often in the week.
Oh well, I suppose if I can find my brave again, when the lion inside decides to roar, then it will all be what its meant to be, changes will happen, for today, I am safe, I am still managing on my own, which I suspect I will till the end, because I am willing to fight so hard for it. So today I will give myself credit for fighting the good fight, and realize I don’t have to answer all the questions today, but that I can build the plan, and change it as often as needed.
This is my mid week rambling …. take care of you, in whatever fashion and whatever degree you need to.