Category: Stress

Last night and for most of the morning, I have been lost in thought about how very rich I am. Those riches may not come in the ways most people measure wealth, financial, status Etc. Nonetheless my life is rich beyond what I would have ever imagined. Yes, even living with Dementia my life is rich. Oh its not that I have not had my share of trauma and tragedy, goodness knows I have. But had it not been for all those things I may not be in this place where I can look at and recognize how rich my life is and on and in so many ways. From adventures that have seen me in Europe, many areas of the US, Mexico, Alaska, most of Canada, and I say most because there is still many highways and byways that I want to travel and explore. I don’t want to be done yet, and most of my excursions have seen me explore areas that are off the beaten track, where I could mingle with the locals, explore their neighbourhoods, eat in the places they eat, instead of following the tourist trail. It has created in me a richness, for people, for culture, for the natural beauty to be found in each of those places, each different, each unique, all very special.

Many of those trips were further enriched by the person or persons who traveled with me. They helped create memories that will stay with me throughout my life, despite my dementia, I will look at photos, it will take me back to how I felt in that place with that person, in that moment, those feelings can never be erased. They all bring a richness to my life that I will always be grateful for. From the tops of mountains to the ocean shores, the rain forests, the deserts and grasslands. I was fortunate enough to have my beautiful little car, which I sold when I was not allowed to drive, I could not bear to look at it sit there, to being grateful when I was again allowed to drive and learning to love the little car I know drive my little Mazda 3. My Mini Cooper was a special edition, iced chocolate with teal flecks in the paint, it was a lot of fun, I had a lot of great adventures with it, richness, because I had it, richness because again I can drive and have a little car in which to do it.

My dementia has also brought many riches to my life, from the experiences I had, to the people it has brought to my life, people who I would not have likely been to meet, to form friendships with, to share parts of each others journey, those are gifts, those provide a richness money can’t buy. So although dementia takes much, it provides gifts that enrich our lives in ways we never could have expected. Beyond the devastation and gloom of being diagnosed life becomes good, in some ways better, maybe I had my career taken away, maybe I have had to endure many losses and changes and challenges. but it has also brought new perspective on life and living, on being grateful.

It brought wealth beyond what I could have thought, wealth in those experiences, from speaking at the United Nations in New York and at the Alzheimers Disease International Conference, to finding the courage to write my blogs, and to write a book, with a second on the way.

My life is lived in large part in isolation, partly because of the changes since my dementia diagnosis, some just by nature of life. But in that isolation there is also richness and things to be grateful for. Within the isolation I have learnt more about myself, because without the business of life, the noise of life, I have learnt to listen to my thoughts, to be in touch with my emotions and my feelings. I have learnt to like wait no love who I am today.

I like that I am no longer afraid to speak my truth, that I am no longer afraid to hide the things that I am passionate about. I like that I have room in my life to try to help others, to be kind and compassionate, to try to make a lasting impact on things that matter, or at least matter to me. I no longer feel less than anyone else, I have learnt we are all walking through this life, some of us are forced out of and off of the hamster wheel, I am grateful I was one of them.

Life is lived more in the moment, with more presence, with a greater sense of feeling and gratitude. And I am not saying that others don’t, I am just saying that for me it comes from a deeper place within, I stutter, I stumble, I make mistakes, I don’t try to be perfect or do perfect, I am the most real I have ever been. That came from having life, a life my life, stripped away without any say, from one day to the next forever altered. Maybe I won’t like and don’t want the end stage of my illness, but living with it, letting it be part and parcel of me, it doesn’t control me, I don’t control it, we just walk together, forever one, but we have formed a sort of friendship and respect for each other, it kicks my butt, I kick back, then we both settle into whatever it is for know. Right know it’s kicking my butt, but in all fairness, its triggered by the smoke and heat from all the fires, it’s creating a lot of inflammation and inflammation is the bad monster in my dementia world.

2021 has challenged me in ways that have been much harder than the year prior, even though 2020 was a year full of changes and adjustments because of covid 19, this year the year 2021 has been much harder. With Covid 19 still running rampant, with fires, heat domes, smoke, the effects are staggering, but again knowing that it too will end and change my focus is getting to other end of it all. The heat will end, the fires will end, the smoke will disappear, covid 19 will eventually settle into a part of our lives that is not quite so disruptive, I cannot control any of them, I can only try to manage the ways in which they impact me and do my part to ensure what I do does not impact others in a negative way.

I may not know what the full richness this year has bestowed on me until it is long past, but I do that that the richness I have already felt from in, from those near and far doing what they can to be supportive, to check, to share laughter and tears, to all of those people they make me rich, rich in the friendships, rich in the kindness shown and deeply grateful to them all for being part of my life.

Right know I can honestly say I am in survival mode, trying to get through the smoke and heat and fires with as little ( although the impact on me and my dementia are increasing daily), damage as possible. Feeling like another level of richness comes from the team of doctors who keep a close eye on me, who know the situation we all find ourselves can quickly put me into a full crisis, so they monitor and I do what I can.

Happy that I am able to see and recognize all this richness that embodies my life.

Tonight after a very difficult day, hoping to get some much needed sleep, needing to relax I went looking for pictures to find the ones of a very special place, one very very few humans ever get the chance to see.
I was very fortunate to have this very special trip arranged for me, by the owners of the Cassiar Cannery, in Port Edwards. The Cassiar Cannery itself is a place that is full of good energy, such a peaceful place, where the tranquility over takes you. It is place that offers something so special it defies words. So on my second visit to this magical place, a fishing excursion cancelled, and instead a trip of a lifetime in to the deepest throws of the untouched beauty of this our province. I am going to try to put it into a slide show for you, not sure if I can manage it, if not the pictures will tell the story. Grateful to my hosts, who had to move logs, to make way for the boat into this area, this truly makes me take a deep breath and exhale every time I look at the pictures.
This is me finding a bringing the joy into very difficult days by remembering all these very incredible moments, and how fortunate I have been that I have ventured into many unknown places and spaces and found I received more gifts than one could imagine, from nature, from the people who I met and got to know on these adventures and to share many of them with anyone brave enough to go along with me.
I dream and hope that I will get the opportunity to have many more of my adventures, for it is in them that I find the greatest peace and the most joy. It is in them that I am transformed, where peacefulness washes away stress and anxiety. It is in these adventures that I am more myself than at any other time. It is where I feel complete and whole.

I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoy sharing it this is the Gitnadoix River Area, truly untouched unspoiled, pure magic, and it’s magic worked on me once again today. The Cassiar Cannery is calling, seems when I am struggling the most it calls out to me.

It’s a very strange feeling, waking up and looking outside trying to decipher if you’ve been a sleep for two hours or eight. Not knowing if it’s morning or night because it looks the same as when you went to sleep, there is no daytime or night time it seems, there is just this very uncomfortable orang/ grey, not dark, but not light, unlike anything I have ever lived in, oh I’ve had smoke filled skies before, but I like many feel that somehow it feels different, and it’s been prolonged, and we’ve never experienced this type of heat as well. The sun and the moon look the same, they are too somehow disfigured by the smoke that fills the air.
it feels heavy, it feels dark and ominous. The heat dome building again, holding your breath and praying the lighting forecasted for Saturday doesn’t come. It confuses your body, and brain, I never thought it would be so disorienting, but it is. Trying to focus or concentrate gone. I haven’t been able to complete some meetings, I get dizzy and nauseous from the computer screen, knowing and wanting to do these things to be fully participating but totally unable. Even trying to write this is challenging. I am wondering if this kind of disorientation is what people feel at later stages of their dementia journey. It doesn’t feel good.
Yesterday I was trying to change my brain by working on some little projects, sewing some decorator pillow, trying to get my. Brain using other parts, since the parts I want to use seem to be so challenged by the symptoms my body is feeling for the effects of the fires. It goes to show how much and how severely environmental conditions can and do impact us and our abilities and also goes to make one understand that maybe part of the reason our abilities change so often has a lot more to do with environmental conditions than we give heed too.
The air quality so very bad, breathing is hard, headaches are the norm, I have them everyday all day, go to sleep with them and wake with them, they a not my brain pain from my dementia they are severe headaches from the environmental triggers. A tight chest, and fatigue, sleepy., this is my days at the moment, living in the fire zone, everyone is stressed and scared, grumpy and short tempered. I have been staying tucked indoors, but the smoke permeates in, even with doors and windows closed.
My specialist called me on Monday to check on me, they have recently had to increase my heart meds, he said he’s ordering tests he’s concerned with how much damage is being sustained due to the prolonged heat and smoke, to my heart, lungs, vascular system. I am feeling a level of frustration with myself for not being able to do the advocacy work at the level I like to work at, but am trying to offer myself a little kindness and remind myself that perhaps just getting to the other side of this challenging time is enough for know.
This year feels so much harder than last year, I’m trying to remind myself that people without any illnesses are struggling so I need to be gentler with myself. We also have the added impact of our covid numbers increasing, it’s causing people a lot of stress again, more restrictions, it keeps going on it seems.
I keep telling myself I will get back into working as hard at my advocacy when the time is right, that when the environmental impacts lesson, then I will again be able to participate my fully. I guessI and most of us have always understood that the environmental impacts on us with dementia were very real, this is the first time outside of just things in day to day life that cause us stress, how much it does impact us. And how it impacts us not only cognitively but our physical well-being too. My dementia feels quite manageable in comparison to what the environmental triggers create in it.
For now trying to stay positive, finding small simple things to provide a sense of joy, and because I can’t be out in nature which has always been so vital to my well being spending time looking at photos of the many beautiful places and spaces I have been fortunate enough to spend time in. They bring a sense of calm, so I will spend time in nature through them.

,

This resonates deeply with me, I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about the feelings and emotions that have been surfacing in me. Looking at them acknowledging them, allowing myself to feel them, finding ways to understand them and why they are surfacing at this time.
For example I have at this time zero tolerance and I actually get quite angry about selfish people. Being selfish at times is necessary and needed for your well being, but being selfish and unwilling to do the right things ahead of your own desires and wants when your actions impact others is not and totally different. That is the part that finds me angry,

I am normally a very forgiving person someone who is willing to overlook those things in others, presently I am not. So I have had to look at why. Partly I believe it is because the pandemic has gone on for so long and for those of us living with dementia and other illnesses who are more vulnerable and at risk it means we have been isolated and impacted to a greater degree than many. And even know that things are starting to open up, I along with many others must continue to be vigilant because we know even though we have had our two vaccines, the Delta variant, which is not fully protected by the vaccines are at a greater risk, so we continue to feel the impacts.
Second to that is the heat wave, fires and smoke, which has found me for the most part even further house bound. My love of nature and time in it halted again.
Yes a lot of people are still trying to get out and about and do some things, they are happy to put themselves at risk of the damage to their systems from the smoke. For me the heat and the smoke both impact my vascular system, creating inflammation, which impacts all ready challenging blood flow issue which directly impacts my dementia. I could still further damage and further hurt my ability for a quality of life, by putting myself into the danger zone of trying to be outdoors, but I have worked hard since my diagnosis to give my self the best chance of quality of life for as long as possible, so tossing all that to the wind at the moment is not an option for me. I am looking forward to the days when I can ride my bike again, when I can go for walks, when I can go to sleep without severe headaches and wake up without one.
In the meantime I have to deal with the emotional elements that come with the current situation, I cry more readily, I am much more sensitive. Yes I am angry, I am angry at those that think they should still have the right to go out into the back country, that they should still be allowed to be on the lakes,and having “their holidays”, with little to no regard for the overall impact and strain they add to a system struggling to manage. I am angry at the people who go out onto the forest service roads and toss bottles and cans and garbage, thinking they have the right to totally disregard this earth, yet think they can use it without having to give anything back or at the very minimum not do damage. Every area I go into I spent my time picking up those cans, bottles and garbage, bringing it out, other people’s mess, because I care about the animals, the rivers and streams, I care about the forests, so I can readily identify that that’s where my anger that I am feeling stems from because I can’t control the selfish ignorance or others. If we only had the fires started by natural occurrences we would have a much easy time to manage them, but when half are caused by the reckless and careless selfish acts of humans, it makes me angry, it makes me angry that people think it’s ok to go out into the waterways, lakes, oceans, rivers, because they enjoy it, but then think it’s ok to toss their cans, bottles and garbage out the side of the boats. Yup I’m angry and I’ll own it. I won’t try to understand and accept people’s justification for the behaviour, because people know right from wrong, it’s a choice. All I can do is my part, which one day when it is safe for me I will go and attempt to clean up other people’s left behind mess. I will acknowledge the sadness, the anger and all the other emotions it brings, so that I can come out the other side of it all and still be a kind and caring individual. For now, looking after my health, emotional, mental and physical is what I need to do and am doing, trying to remain hopeful and positive. My dementia has definitely been effected, and I’m hoping that once I no longer have to fight the impacts of the inflammation caused by the smoke and heat perhaps I will see some of those impacts improve.
Today I’m going to focus on my little dog Pheobe, who is sleeping in today, I’ve been let her tear up and down the hallway of the building so she can get a little exercise, she doesn’t manage the heat or smoke either, we are a good team and she is definitely my silver lining.

This morning early 4 am, the sky was actually quite clear, the smoke haze appeared better, the shift in the winds helped, but it is now 6 am and that is rapidly changing again, more evacuation orders new fires. During all of these recent events it has become apparent that it has created more changes for me. My ability to navigate and do some things which I had done for years diminished, requiring help, forms, information for claims to blue cross etc, now require help, it overwhelms me, I can’t decipher all the steps and parts. My ability to do one thing while listening to someone else, no longer possible, my level of frustration with myself has been high, yes these are expected changes, but settling into them not that easy. It has to do with pride, it has to do with sense of self. Aging is not easily accepted by most add in dementia and the changes it brings and it’s another added layer. I’m grateful that there are real life angels ( friends ) who step in and just do without trying to tell you “ if you just did”, as those kinds of statements only worsen things and further erode your sense of self and your confidence.
My ability to manage outings have changed as well, life has changed yet again. Arranging outings and seeing people in ways and settings is another set of changes.
settling into all these new normals, wondering how much all this last two years has contributed. Yet somehow I am although very emotional these days, ( but that is due to the situation in our province with the fires, speaking of, yesterday talking with a friend having a cry over what’s happening, I realized, just about every area I went to early this spring to enjoy my picnics and nature to hug trees, watch the wildlife, almost everyone of those areas are now blazing with fires. I picked up cans, bottles, everything I found and brought it out for the very reason that they can cause fires, people are so disrespectful tossing stuff out. So I clean up the forest while there. It feels like the universe sent me there to go see all the natural beauty before these fires started raging. I will go back if and when I can, to see the destruction, I think about the moose that I had interaction with, I cry thinking he’s likely had to run for his life. So this has caused high emotional responses for and in me. I have always operated from an emotional place, that as been amplified, that also is changes with my dementia. These amplified emotions are often hard for others to understand sometimes I try to help them understand but often I no longer try.

I’m grateful for those who show up who help me navigate the hard days, not just the easy ones, who allow me to express my frustrations with myself with my abilities and loss there of. That gift of having those friends are beyond anything else one could ask for. Recently that gift has been and come at a time I didn’t even know I needed it. I’m also grateful for those who have reached out checking in for the support and kindness during these unprecedented times. Some messages from friends far away, and a couple video calls and zooms have really helped me through these days. It feels like I’ve been living under a state of emergency here first with covid know the fires, heat and drought, for two years. Today they say while air quality is better today and the temperature better, that tomorrow the heat and wind returns. As much as I know winter will come and I will get through this still smiling at the other end, I can’t help think about what I will see when I next can go out to hug a tree or talk to a moose, and I’m praying we all have learnt and heed the lessons we are being given. Staying Strong with the help of my connections to others.

This is the motto I have used since I received my diagnosis, however there are many days in this year 2021, that I have repeated that motto to my self only to then ask myself “ or am I”? The reality is life has changed a lot again this year for me, it’s hard to explain the changes, some are subtle, but they are there. This year has been far more difficult than 2020, and it’s only half over. One of the things that I am struggling with and trying to navigate is my newly found aversions to people, going out into public causes a lot of stress, I’d rather not, before it was the noise of places of not being able to focus if to many people were talking, but know it’s moved into something else that I’m not even sure how to explain it. Maybe it’s from being so isolated for so long that trying to navigate in the everyday world just somehow feels very odd. Venturing out has become a go only if absolutely necessary and time it so you can have the least interactions with others as possible.

It’s such a contrast to who I once once, miss social butterfly, the one who loved to entertain, always bringing people together, to now being the one who is most comfortable in the quiet and peacefulness and safety of my four walls away from people.

So I’m trying to navigate it, trying to get myself to be able to go out a little but small steps, inch by inch. I wonder how many others with dementia are feeling or seeing the impact of all the isolation or even able to recognize it. My cognitive abilities are a mess too, but I navigate those bits and pieces, and hoping once the smoke, and although the wind has cleared a lot of the visible smoke out during parts of the day, it drifts back in, the particles are still in the air, it gives me headaches everyday, somehow I think my brain pain and lighting bolts are preferable, as odd as that sounds, but this heat wave and the smoke, have and is causing me to be so tired, to have headaches everyday along with the fires, and the underlying stress that puts on my system, maybe once I navigate to the other side of all this, everything will settle into some kind of new normal.

In the mean time, power going on and off, internet going down intermittently, I will and am still pursuing my passion of advocating. It’s been hit and miss to attend things with everything going on, but I’m going to be trying depending on how I’m feeling and our situation with fires etc.

I do have irons in the fire and some exciting projects I am working on, along with working on my second book, but it does feel like like everything has been stalled but along with everything else I have to believe it’s all happening for a reason and as it’s meant too. Things will unfold as they should. And we just lost power again, hopefully the fires haven’t taken out the power stations. So till next time

Sometimes staying and being strong means you have to find the tiger within. It’s been a long haul for everyone, we are 14 or 16 months into the pandemic, many areas are having another wave hit with the new variant, you wonder if they will ever get enough people vaccinated to get the world through this.
We were then hit here, with the unprecedented heat in June it is still here, then arrived the fires, and the smoke, it’s testing my reserve, it’s taking every bit of tiger that’s left in my tank to manage it all, you can’t escape it, you can go outside without chocking on the smoke, I wasn’t out for eight days because I was sick, but regaining strength, my dog needs to go out, the early early morning hours are best 5 am till about 8 am.

People are being evacuated from many areas, I am still safe at this point but for how long? This is mid July, we still have all of July and August to get through. I think of all those evacuated, I think about all the animals struggling to find food, shelter and places to go that are safe. I can’t imagine the fear running through them, displaced from their surroundings, heat, fire, food sources dried up from the heat, running dazed and confused.

My own brain is not functioning well, it is strange, it does not feel like how I feel when I get my typical dementia brain fog, yet it is acting in the brain fog way without the fog. I forgetting things as fast as I have them, like what day it is, I can orientate myself to what day it is minutes later its gone again and I’m mixed up. what week is it? Did I eat today? I believe much of the state of my brain at the moment is from the strange way of day to day due to the situation unfolding. This is what is classified as the bodies response to unusual and prolonged traumatic event.

Yes this unprecedented heat and these very unusual fire situations, ( yes we have fires every year never have we seen this so many the whole province being effected), we have had fires where homes have been lost where communities have to be evacuated, losing complete townsites, no rain, it is causing trauma not just for me but for most. People with dementia are adversely effected by stress, and my brain is definitely feeling the effects. Our sleep is effected, the light we are taking in has changed because of the smoke covering the sky. I am much more emotional, shed a lot of tears lately. It’s not that I am living in fear, it is not that I am consumed by it, but I am living in it and feeling it. You can keep busy doing other things inside the house but it is still always there at some level. So even if you think it is not effecting you at the subconscious level it is there, creating that underlying stress. You wake up every hour or hour and half at night, either from the smell of smoke seeping into the house, or because somehow your body wakes you and tells you have to go and check out side. When you get up about 4 or 430 in the morning for the day, your skin is sticky and feels like its covered in a film, it’s the smoke in the air. I take pictures and record the sky at different times, because history should be recorded. I know that so far we are still very lucky, we have not had to be evacuated. But for most of us we have friends and families that are in those situations, so it is effecting most people at some level.

I also admittedly have discovered that I am feeling somewhat angry, and that I have at this time no tolerance for selfish people, and selfish people are making me angry. People who feel they should still be able to go out into the back country and camp and play, people who think that well I don’t care this is my summer and I’m having my holiday, people that don’t care that throwing their cigarette buts or beer cans out while driving down the road, can cause a fire. People that somehow think this is everyones problem but theirs and that someone should do something as long as it’s not them. I have zero tolerance at this time. I know I must practice being forgiving and tolerant of these people but at the moment I am struggling to do that. I cry, I pray, I talk to my angels, I ask the universe to help. Maybe that is in part how my underlying stress is coming out, with less tolerance, maybe that will get better as we get through this cycle we are in.

I hear more people mentioning climate change, many mentioning that somebody better do something. Everyone thinks climate change is about the vehicles on the road and the plants and the oil and gas industry, yet if you really understand climate change, you will understand it is about how each of us live every day. We are and all do have a responsibility to do our parts, it we want to continue to live on this planet. People need to start within their own communities, and homes, plant shrubs, and bushes in place of lawns, get the community planners to plant wildflowers and shrubs and even vegetables on all the boulevards. Planting plants helps feed the soil, helps it retain moisture, helps it cool the earth, provides clean air, yes we can all do our part. I know everyone wants easy, everyone wants less work, but once those things are done they are actually easier and less work to look after than traditional lawns etc. Farmers must adapt to different ways of farming, we are not longer at a place where we can study it, we need action and every small action taken by each person and each family, is what will change the cycle and stop the climate change. But for me hearing that somebody should do something that somebody is each and every one of us. Ok my rant about that is over.

I hope that the coming days and weeks, see much relieve for not only my people here in my province, but for those in other countries and places facing these unprecedented times, we are going to have a lot of people struggling with the effects of truama’s, from the pandemic, to the situations being created by the unusual weather patterns.

I’m closing with a some pictures of the last couple months the changes are drastic, oh I long for those beautiful adventures, maybe this fall.

Tonight is my eight days out from my 2nd covid shot, I’ve done so much better today, although easing into things, I managed to reply to three emails, but everything will eventually get done as I can manage it. I’m grateful for the support and understanding of those waiting/ needing or wanting things from me for their patience. Hopefully each day this week will allow a little more.
There is also a lot of underlying stress, with fires burning all around so close to our town and homes. It is a heaviness and weariness everyone here where’s right know. It is a very scary time here for us in the west. I have been very emotional the last two days, I think the tiredness of my body from being so sick, and the stress of seeing fires erupting in every direction, has my emotions running high, so earlier just as I got a message about another fire my girlfriend called from another province and wanted to come and rescue me and get me out of here., as soon as I heard her voice I burst into tears. I felt better after talking to her.
The other thing I realized was that I really have zero tolerance towards selfish people right know, normally I try to show everyone kindness and compassion to try to be understanding, I never try to judge people, however, when planes and helicopters are grounded because someone selfishly decides his right to fly his drone trumps the community at large safety and the safety of those fire firefighters, then the very next day seeing they are having trouble getting onto the lake because of interference from boaters and paddle boarders, again creating so much unnecessary and totally unneeded risk to so many.
So for whatever reason maybe because I feel like I was just starting to feel like I could move around a little when the heat hit, then the fires started, then I got sick, feels like I’m in the middle of a third pandemic. Maybe being forced to remain at home on my own is somehow going to be a blessing in disguise, but I am monitoring my stresses and finding ways to alleviate it, I’m also sure as I’m feeling stronger I will manage it all better, after all even I am only human.
I was thinking I would be feeling guilty about not being busy advocating and doing all the stuff, but sometimes just managing the plate in front of you at the moment is all your supposed to do. It’s these times, things like the fires, figuring out an emergency route out of town if need be, taking care of all that stuff, when it really hits you how truly difficult life is alone, dementia or not, life is tough on your own, and I think as we age the more we realize it, but we are also realistic enough to know sometimes that’s what your dealt. I was wondering about that. You know why did I come to earth, to bear so many traumas, to feel so much crushing heartbreak 💔, someday when I’m sitting with all my angels I’m going to be asking a lot of questions.
Tomorrow I will manage whatever I need to, it’s 730 pm, I need to sleep now.

I haven’t opened emails in a week, I haven’t been doing my social media sites, I haven’t written. I have been as the Doctors said, I have been levelled… yes I received my second doze of Pfizer vaccine on Monday, with Thursday been spent at the hospital, Levelled is definitely the way to describe it, unable to stay awake, to weak to stand or walk, a beyond blinding headache. I described it to the doctors as feeling like someone took a sledge hammer to my forehead. So nauseous that managing fluids was the best I could do, the fatigue is like fatigue on steroids. I’m not sure if I made any sense when talking with my doctors, the pharmacist was here, he didn’t want to leave me alone. My neighbour’s have been gems, taking Pheobe out, although she goes begrudgingly, she doesn’t want to be way from my side, literally by my side. Friday I managed to get from the bed to the couch, a huge feat,Friday also saw two friends appear, one bringing ginger tea to try to ease the nauseousness, The other armed with all the supplies I could possible manage to need in the coming days, watermelon, popsicles, yogurts, drinks, cottage cheese, all things I could try yo just pick at, she also changed my bedding, the feverish sweats were leaving the bed soaked a few times a night. I don’t remember if I even was making sense to either of them I was just grateful for their kindness. My brother-in-law law dropping of things for Pheobe and I.

That same day a forest fire ten minutes from home had them evacuating people, and I was amiss of it all, Then yesterday another fire very close too, and the bombers and helicopters being grounded, because someone’s flying a drone and interfering with the firefighting efforts. I’m not sure of the status of the fire this morning. This morning I’m having or trying my first cup of coffee in a week. I am writing, although it’s exhausting me so I keep putting it down and restarting.

I don’t want to discourage people from getting their vaccine, my reaction is a rare one, the plus side is I will have really good immunity, most people do not have this severe of response, so mine should not be used as a measuring tool in the pros and cons. Ok another rest and I’ll try to do a little more, I won’t even attempt the emails and messages I have waiting, just know that if you’re waiting for something from me it will likely be delayed. The fact that up sitting upright and actually writing is feeling very positive. And I should say I do not regret getting my vaccine, the flip side of being so sick ( again most people will not experience this) is being dead from the virus, the other good thing that happened in all of this they changed a doubled my heart medication, on the same day I got my vaccination and my heart is very happy and humming along quite nicely, so that means once I’m over the effects of this I should be feeling really rather well. At any rate everyone who knows me knows you take the bad ones and let them remind you of how very precious the good ones are.
I was left to ponder last night how well I would manage to get myself evacuated if need be, my emergency kits are all prepared, but then I thought, your body would kick in to whatever it needed to to allow you to manage it. It again reminds me of how a more communal small living arrangement would be better for people as they age.

I always manage I am a warrior a survivor, although a very tired one a this time. Thank you all for your lovely messages I will get to emails etc hopefully this week, today I will just try to manage to be up more, but I also won’t push I don’t want to go backwards. Hoping where ever you are you are safe and surrounded by love.

Today, amidst the wind and smoke, with too many more fires starting in the province to keep track of, comes more changes for me.

I have seen more recent challenges again with my health, my brain fog a lot worse, my balance, vision, strength all off, my fatigue so bad, too put it bluntly I look like hell. yesterday the neighbour ladies all didn’t even ask if I was ok, they just said, do you need help you look like shit.

You could blame some of it on environmental factors, the extreme heat and the smoke, but this was more and I knew the environmental factors may be playing into it, but yes I knew it was a lot more.

Today my Doctor confirmed what I had been thinking and feeling. My heart is working too hard, the medications to help it are not enough now. So today my medication for my heart gets doubled, and one more added, he reminded me that we knew this would be where we were headed at some point and we are at that point. So first I go for my second dose of the Covid Vaccine and then I start my new heart meds. I will have to monitor myself until we see how my system adjusts to them.

It is becoming more and more of a balancing act between the different players in my life, but the players are the normal types of players, the players are the parts and pieces of my whole being, my heart, my brain, my vascular system. One changes, they all change, I have to adapt, it’s becoming that the time in between those things happening are becoming less and less. Sometimes I am not sure how long I can keep walking the high wire, or how long my body can is maybe the better way to put it.

Maybe the other question is how long to I want to keep pushing for more. My Doctor has been amazing, helping me have the years I have had, yes with many hospital stays, many hurdles to overcome, but always with the idea of giving me as much quality time as possible. He’s not ready to quit on that idea just yet, but am I? Or is my brain just not thinking well because my heart is not able to give it the blood/oxygen it needs right know? Will I feel like I’ve got more time and good quality still left when my heart is functioning better, if these meds actually are enough. So many questions. Too many things to try to balance.

Not sure how the second covid shot will effect me, coupled with a new mix of medications, I’ll be lying low for a few day, seems funny as it feels like I’ve been doing that for almost two years for one reason or another, either my health, or the environmental factors to which I have no control over.

Pheobe went and got her summer cut today as well so that she can be hopefully a little more comfortable in this extreme heat, she has been a trooper though and the fans have become her best friends, but I’m thankful that she isn’t scared of them. She amazes me every day, at 17, I try to make each day about her as much as I can, but she knows when my system is struggling and she watches over me closely. Together we have been a great team…. I will be forever grateful for the joy she brings me.